The Scary Movie

So, do you ever get just crazy?  I don't mean that night with your friends when you drank/smoke/karaoke'd too much and woke up the next morning feeling like you needed to wash the sandlot out of your mouth.  Or the recurring fantasy you have about driving your car into a crowded parking lot and screaming at the top of your lungs.  Or 'what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas'...

No, I mean the crazy where you know that something is wrong, wrong, wrong, but you can't put a finger on what it is that's wrong about it.  The kind of crazy where you feel completely out of sorts but you have no idea what will make it all better.  The sort of insanity where you really just want to slap or shake or scream at everything. (My husband would call this "hormones"; but he won't say it outloud as it might topple me over the edge.)

Well, I'm there right now.  I can't exactly name what is wrong or how to fix it.  And, for the life of me, I can't understand why so many other people just can't SEE it.  Trying to put words to the nameless, shapeless thing that you know is right around the corner -- or the next corner after that -- or the next -- but the words aren't there to explain.  Like in all those creepy, horror movies you watched as a teen (okay, some of you STILL watch them) and you could hear the scary music and you just KNEW something was going to happen and you thought you knew when and what and where...but you still jumped and screamed anyways when it DID happen.

I'm really no good at surprises; in fact I HATE THEM.  Oh, I can keep a secret.  And I can help plan the surprise party or be a member of the posse that plans it.  And I love the feeling of pulling one over on people when it's a happy surprise.  Surprise parties, surprise baby announcements (as long as it's NOT me!), surprise gifts or visitors are all great.  That kind of spontanaeity I can handle. 

It's the stuff that I know that's coming, but while waiting for it to happen, my mind just goes wild with imagining what might or could or would happen that makes me NUTS.  The unknown.  I feel better knowing what the diagnoses is so I can research.  I like to look up all the possibilities, plan for the contingencies.  I don't just have a Plan B, I have about 24 others as well.  That way it's not a surprise when you hear the words.

Right now, I feel our country is like that horror movie.  You've gotten to know the characters, maybe even like some of them (after all, who really likes ALL the people in a horror movie.  There are some people that should just die because they should in the movie).  You just know something is going to happen -- bad happen -- because you can hear the scary music.  And you're sitting on the couch in your living room (or in your car at the drive-in) and you're yelling at the screen "Turn on the LIGHT!  TURN. ON. THE. LIGHT!!!"  But, of course the girl (or the guy) can't hear you because they're in the movie and you're in the audience, just watching it all happen.  Of course, you could go to the bathroom or leave the theater or turn off the movie; but whatever is on that film will still happen whether you watch it or not. (yes, I realize that movies aren't real -- this is an allegory)

I feel like I'm shouting for the people on the screen to turn on the lights but no one is listening.  I know some of you are, but you're in the same theater I'm in, screaming the same words.  Some in the rows around us are hushing us to be quiet.  It's just a movie, after all.  The actors are just playing a part.  It's not really all that bad.  Eat more popcorn.  It won't be long before some of us leave that theater.  Others will stay to watch another show, but eventually the lights will have to go on.  By the time the lights are turned on, it will be too late. The show will be over and they'll find out it wasn't just a movie and those weren't just actors playing a part.  It was real life and the real bad things, the bad guy, the bad stuff will be happening.  And it will be too late to stop the scary music and turn on the lights.