Conforming

The other day I was frustrated about my 7^th graders failing grades.  It’s not like this is a new thing or even like I expected it to make a drastic recovery over night (or even, over quarter); but I was particularly frustrated this particular day because of 6 grades, he has four “F” grades.  FOUR!

So, I sent off an email to the Vice Principal and all four teachers.   It basically said, “I’m frustrated and I don’t know what to do, but I’d like to figure this out so can we work together and get something that works for everyone.”

I heard from all four teachers and the school counselor (but not the Vice Principal). Two of the four teachers reminded me that I needed to set aside “Homework time” at home so that he had a set time to do homework.  Yeah, doing that already.  ALL the kids sit down at one time and do their homework together.  The only exception is math homework which I am useless at; that waits until their father gets home so he can solve the math puzzle.  He thinks math is “FUN”!   (Seriously, throw up.  hurl)  

One teacher told me he participates in class but doesn’t like to do class work or homework.   Gee, I think THAT’S THE PROBLEM.  Now the solution is???? 

One teacher told me that (my son) “On a regular basis shows insight and knowledge of the material covered. Often outperforming group members. On a regular basis (he) shows he doesn’t know the fundamentals we’ve gone over day-after-day for weeks. I cannot predict which of the two any particular topic will be in.” Again, color me shocked.

So, in discussing this on Facebook with my friends, we covered various trials of being a parent, including letting them fail and suffer the consequences.  I’m big on consequences and we talk frequently at home about them and follow through, too.  So far the consequences have been loss of allowance (for lack of doing chores), loss of electronics (for grades) and loss of social time and sports (again for grades).  Nothing.  I made a comment about the long-term consequences of letting him not turn in homework (a choice), failing classes (in this case, a choice) and the stress it puts on our family now and in the future.

The conversation was:   (names removed for courtesy reasons – spelling intentional)

ME:  There's this whole community learning parenting thing called "Love & Logic". It's basically "Your child is responsible for their own choices. It's not your homework, it's theirs."

Sure, it's theirs, but don't they have to follow the rules of society? Don't they have to learn to do things they don't want to do? At what point am I neglecting my parental DUTIES when I allow them to "control their own lives" (at 13).

I realize I’m over-generalizing the whole thing, but that's an overview.

My Friend:  I see. If I may ask why does recognizing their sole ownership of their hwk. or any other responsibility automatically mean to you that they will not follow societal rules and norms? If they drop the ball on their responsibilities then they suffer the natural consequences, even Dr. Dobson promoted that.

So, as stated earlier in the post, I was in a BAD mood.  I let this comment drop – and pretty much the rest of the post – because, frankly, anything I said from this point on was going to turn from venting (my intent) to a full-blown, balloon-raising, streamer throwing pity-party (NOT MY INTENT).  But, as I went through the rest of my day, this conversation kept fighting it out in my head.  Have I mentioned what a scary place my head is?

Let’s for a moment, look at the question of following societal rules and norms.  I am a conformist, a rule-follower and NOT a risk taker.  I do what I’m told, and breaking the rules is not the norm for me.  Yes, I’ve driven over the speed limit; yes, I’ve disobeyed my parents; no, I’m not perfect.  My parents were big on consequences too; but I don’t remember challenging them as continuously as my children do.  I got good grades (except for Algebra), didn’t skip school, rarely sassed my mom (she had a shoe and wasn’t afraid to use it) and kept my curfew. 

I think I’ve grown up to be a pretty good adult; rule-following and conforming as I should.   Being a responsible adult means following the rules, conforming, respecting authority and, because of these personality traits, being successful, and prosperous.  There is nothing wrong with being courteous, respectful and willing to submit to an authority higher than your own.  Sure, people who buck the system are noticed, but what’s so wrong with doing what you’re told (as long as it doesn’t break God’s laws or man’s laws)?

If my teen chooses not to follow the rules of the teachers, the school, the educational association; what could the consequences be?  For purposes of argument, I’m NOT talking about an inability to pass a test or class – I’m talking about willfully choosing to not do what one is asked to do.  Let’s say, he fails four out of 6 classes in 7^th grade.  They pass him to 8^th grade.  He now hasn’t done the necessary work to pass 7^th grade, so the consequences are that 8^th grade is more difficult than it has to be.  Let’s say he fails most of 8^th grade too and they pass him to 9^th grade – High School.  So, now he has a 7^th grade education in a 9^th grade environment and it only gets harder from here.  At this point, let’s say he has two choices:  do as he’s asked (turn in homework, study hard/er, get a tutor, etc.) or just keep doing what he’s doing.

Remember, I’m letting him take responsibility and suffering the consequences on his own.  I’m not interfering. 

Let’s say he makes it through High School and he manages to get a diploma but he still doesn’t like to do what he’s told.  How many employers will keep paying him when he chooses to show up late for work 3 out of 5 days a week?  Instead of wiping down the counters with bleach, he decides he’ll just brush the counters off?  He’s asked to drive directly to a delivery address, but instead he drives to his girlfriends and then to the delivery?  So, now he’s unemployed and pretty much unemployable unless he finds a kind soul who will hold his hand and put up with his nonconformity. 

Consequences don’t only concern the rule-breakers; they affect a rippling circle of people around the non-conformist.  They affect the taxpaying, working, public who pay for education, insurance, healthcare, and other “free” things.  The food service worker that doesn’t follow the rules can cause a food poisoning incident that can affect hundreds of people who eat at their establishment.  The driver who drinks and then gets behind the wheel can injure or kill someone when their car crashes.  The young person who carries a gun and “accidentally” fires it can injure or kill someone. 

Consequences are supposed to be the natural occurrence for any action.  Consequences can be good (although we usually think those are rewards) or bad.  If you do the right thing, sometimes the consequences are bad no matter how hard you tried.  And sometimes doing the wrong thing(s) doesn’t seem so bad because the consequences don’t seem so bad. 

But consequences affect everyone.  And I’m trying to teach my kids that on a daily basis.  So, how do I teach them that consequences are real?  Important?  Necessary?  And how do I teach them this in a society that wants to place the blame conveniently on everything and everyone EXCEPT the actual person the blame lies with?  And, with society trying to convince me that consequences aren’t natural or necessary, why even bother?

This too shall pass, but it’s going to be a long several years….