The Voice of Truth

I’ve lost some friends this year and it’s left me feeling down, blue and struggling with my identity. 2011 has been a year of self-reflection.  This is not a post about one person in particular; rather it’s about the year’s accumulation of friendship issues I’ve had in 2011.  

I've been spending a lot of time taking stock of me, of what and who I am as a person and a friend.  I think I'm a good friend; not necessarily a likeable person, but I'm loyal, honest and true. I trust too quickly, too long. I fall fast, hard, forever. I spend a lot of time thinking through conversations and working things out. Even after people lie to me, talk about me, banish me, move away, disappear from my life, I worry about them, care about them, think about them. I hurt for their losses, remember birthdays, and recollect songs or memories.

I think our hearts stay connected to people even if we're not close anymore; it's how the heart works. Our brain remembers songs, words, feelings, jokes, events and connects them to people, places and things.  How can you not listen to a song and remember a person or a time?  Couples have special songs, private jokes, memories that are just between them; I think friends have those too.  Those connections make us happy or sad. How do you forget someone you've laughed with, cried with and shared experiences with? How do you stop thinking of that person?

Memories are funny things – they have hooks and reel us in. Before you know it, you're smiling or walking down that path and then it hits you. You can't share with that person because they're no longer in your life.  It’s like dying a bit every time it happens.  “Losing” friends is really kind of a misnomer – I know where my friends are; some of them just aren’t with ME anymore.  

I don't know how not to trust; how to turn that around. I don’t know how not to believe in people; to be tough and strong, not naive.  Most days recently I feel like just giving up – not in a suicidal way – but just not trying anymore to be a friend.  I feel like I fail more than I succeed, and the more I try, the more I fail.  

The bad stuff is easier to believe, the good things friends say are harder to remember.  It’s easier to accept the names, the accusations, the pointed fingers, the insults, than it is to trust the praise and applause.  It’s easier to knock ourselves out trying to be what we think people want than it is to just listen to God and be what He wants.  It’s exhausting.

Have you ever had something that you know you should just let go of, stop, quit, give up; but you can’t?  Do you avoid things, people; places that remind you of them, or do you just smile, buck-up and carry on?  Do you ask mutual friends to quit mentioning them or do you crave just a bit of information so you can move through your day?  Do you find yourself thinking of them and praying for them – for their health, accomplishments and welfare?

Why is it so hard to quit on other people but so easy to quit on yourself?  We give others the benefit of the doubt but drag ourselves through the mud (and through the wringer) while we contemplate our blame in the loss.

I don’t want to say that all my friendships have taken bad turns this year; I’ve made some new friends, strengthened some existing friendships and kept some old (I prefer ‘experienced’) friendships intact.  What is the difference in these relationships that I missed with the lost ones?  What variations kept these friendships while others crashed and burned?  Was it them?  Was it me?  Why are some able to maintain a friendship through thick and thin but others are only for a few seasons in our lives?  

I’m going to assume that the difference is not something I can discover or even change.  I’m going to have to assume that the difference is something that wouldn’t have mattered – the relationship followed the path it was supposed to and was only for a season; not a lifetime.

In trying to change my outlook on the losses, a song has been playing in my head (and, oddly enough on the radio) from Casting Crowns.  The song talks about listening to the voice of God instead of the voices of others that try to lead us astray or distract us from the voice of truth.  The chorus of the song says:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth 

So my challenge will be to listen to God’s voice through my struggles with my relationships and NOT MINE (or others).  I need to strive to listen to what God is telling me to learn; how I’m supposed to grow and change, based on HIS teachings, not others. 

Proverbs 2:1-5 (ESV)

James 4:8 

Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you.