Dear Santa (the Mom edition)

I’m not funny, but reading a couple of blogs got me thinking about my Wish List to Santa, if I were to write one.  My letter isn’t nearly as funny as this one (Ironic Mom ) or her friend (Paige K), but it’s my best attempt on short notice.

Dear Santa:

I’m likely on your ‘naughty’ list this year, as in years’ past, but just in case you’re feeling generous, I thought I’d write you and give you my list.  Yes, it’s been a few years since you’ve heard from me – children, grandchildren and a husband tend to take up all my time these days.

I understand that there’s less than a week until Christmas, but if you could see your way to grant the following desires of my heart, I’d really appreciate it:

•         Please find a way to fit a handyman down my chimney (or at my front door) so that all the half-finished DIY projects can be completed.  And if you could make him look like either Zac Efron or Matt Bomer, it would make it extra special. 

•         I have about 20 pounds I’d like to lose, so if you could find a starving super-model that wants them, I’d gladly donate, free of charge.  I’d even share the weight with several needy models.

•        Next on my list is a job for child #3, who doesn’t quite have the motivation to find one himself.  He has many talents, including comedy, memorization of quirky movie lines, staying up until 2 AM, sleeping until 11 AM and punny phrases.  He doesn’t eat much but does require a constant stream of internet availability, so a job where he can play games all day would be a great fit.

•        I have several years left of schooling for child #4, and my request is that he would turn in his homework so that he can make passing grades; therefore not requiring him to flunk High School and live at home for the rest of my lifetime.  My sanity thanks you.

•        If you could work it out with Mr. Murphy, I’d like to request that he find someone else to constantly surprise with his attacks on our limited “discretionary” funds.

•         While we’re on surprises and sanity, I’d like to respectfully request that our government stop finding ways to spend my money for me.  I’m pretty good at finding ways to spend it without their help.

•        Yeah, yeah, world peace, a cure for cancer and harmony too; but I think some things are out of even your realm of power.

Respectfully,

You know who I am