After 20 years of wedded “bliss”, I think most marriages could be saved or declared insolvent at the outset, if every relationship required a license and pre-marital agreement. Traditionally Pre-nuptial contracts are drawn up prior to the wedding and are used during the dissolution of the marriage to divide assets and decide who gets what, how much and for how long. But what if you created a pre-marital agreement for marital basics? Now, before you get too upset about this, think about what that agreement could resolve within a marriage.
Household chores: a specific delineation of whose job it REALLY is to clean the bathroom. Is he responsible for wiping up the toothpaste glob in the sink (as he’s always the one that drops it?)? Should she be liable to wipe up the toilet seat when he misses in the middle of the night? Who folds the laundry, sorts the laundry, and puts it away? And what about dusting and vacuuming? Who is required to brew the coffee each and every morning and also responsible for grinding the beans at night (not in the morning while others are attempting to sleep that last few minutes before the alarm clock shatters the silence). And honestly, there needs to be an entire clause, initialed and notarized, regarding supplying and refilling the toilet-paper roll (don’t forget the direction that the paper must fall from the roll when installation is complete). A separate agreement might be included for toothpaste tube lids, dental floss and closing the door during bathroom usage.
Food Service: Grocery shopping is an art form; not a job for fly-by-night apprentices or the untrained. It is therefore designed for one person; preferably the person who is the financial agent in the partnership. If it’s not on the list, it won’t get purchased and there won’t be any arguments about it, including last minute phone calls to the shopper asking for leniency and the acquisition of chocolate chips or a six pack of beer. If you really needed it, it should have been on the list. You’ll know better next time and will learn to think ahead. It is not necessary to ‘ride shotgun’ on a trip to the grocery store. This isn’t the wild west and you won’t be overtaken by marauding raiders scavenging the streets for organic eggs and deli chicken on your way home.
Cooking: Will you divide and conquer or have a totalitarian regime in the kitchen? Is it necessary to call for reinforcements to steam the broccoli, or is it actually possible to cook the entire meal by yourself without help or constant encouragement? Who will do dishes (providing you don’t have children)? And whose fault is it automatically when anyone’s mother’s somethingofvalue becomes broken? Is it really an arguable offense if she is actually able to start and operate the grill “all by herself”? This should include dinner parties and behavior at restaurants and drive-thru as well.
Intimacy and Procreation: Warning – this subject only for *mature* readers. I’m not putting an age qualification on this – you know who you aren’t. How often is too much? Are certain activities off limits – Always or only sometimes? Do you want name calling, silence or play-by-play description? Are specific times of the day inaccessible, or is it negotiable depending on stress level and the number of times you’ll be interrupted by younger citizens of your municipality? How many citizens do you want in your mini-kingdom – remember, this is directly related to how many votes you get in the overall election and congressional appeals process; and will irrevocably affect the financial solvency of your partnership.
Child-rearing and education: Are you anti-private school? Do you shudder when you see a ruler? Is restriction the only answer or would you, could you apply the board of education to the seat of knowledge? What foods will be required to be eaten and how often; will there be certain no-man’s-land foods that will never be allowed to make it out of the grocery store? Do you condone sex education at school, would you prefer to talk about the birds and the bees after you’re a grandparent or do you just hand them a magazine and a laptop? It is a good idea to include a division of labor for phone calls from the principle or disciplinary actions from the school (you really shouldn’t have taught him to burp the ABC’s).
Religion: In most agreements this might be more of a deal breaker than finances or child-rearing. If you’re Jewish and she’s Catholic (what the heck are you doing together anyways?) – how do you decide which guilt-based institution will guide your every decision, argument and life-changing event? In some cases it may be necessary to determine a disinterested third religion to negotiate spiritual issues: a Methodist marrying a Pentecostal could investigate the legitimacy of a Baptist conversion for both parties.
Politics: This one could be tricky. You might be better to attempt to discover marital bliss with a person of indeterminate political persuasion than to willingly marry a spouse of contrary political opinion. However, this also might mean you ‘cancel each other out’ in elections and local voting contests, so you should consider carefully the side of the fence you will be marrying into. This also calls into play which party would be required to sleep on the couch after any dispute and who will automatically be apologizing for all inferred or direct insults towards any family member previously or presently living. You might want to have an allotment for taking sides against the other spouse or appearing to be more comfortable with your family than you are.
Finances: A wise unmarried sage told me that most marital unions dissolve over finances; an overabundance of or the complete lack thereof. Paying bills doesn’t necessarily require a Master’s Degree, but the person capable of squeezing blood from a turnip should also be the person in charge of the family’s finances. This should ultimately be the person who functions best on the smallest amount of sleep and can figure out twelve ways to make a meal out of leftover mashed potatoes. Unless you have an overabundance of funds; in which case that person should be the one able to determine at a moment’s notice where to find the best airfare, rental car and hotel rates for the spur-of-the-moment month-long vacation to the Italian Riviera.
Entertainment: Certain shows should never, ever, under any circumstances be shown in mixed company. Your agreement will need to specifically define how many times during your union you should be expected to watch “Blazing Saddles” and laugh. It should also be identified what classifies as a ‘date night’ movie, if there will be an equal distribution of chick flicks to bombs and bullets, or if you flip a coin and graciously accept the capricious humor of fate. Shows, subjects or themes that will always and without an argument be off-limits should be clearly outlined. There should also be a discussion and delineation of Poker Nights, Girls Nights out and bachelor-party behavior. A sub-clause should be added regarding who is responsible for organizing childcare and what the job description and physical characteristics should be of said part-time member of staff. A penalty clause should be firmly and unmistakably noted in case the organizing spouse is spending more quality time with the nanny than with the other spouse.
With a few well-worded contracts of understanding, I’m sure many marriages might be saved with these helpful processes. Several more might be avoided altogether, therefore salvaging many a tattered soul and possibly putting divorce lawyers out of business. Of course, what fun would there be in that?
No comments:
Post a Comment