So today I get an email from the school counselor about my youngest child (who shall remain nameless to protect the less-than-innocent). There’s a lot of background to this story, but I’ll focus on today and fill in as it goes.
I got an email because she “attempted to call me but the phone wouldn’t go to voicemail”. This immediately puts me in a weird frame of mind as I’ve had the phone in front of me all morning long (I use it as an alarm clock to make sure I pick up the kids at 11:30 from various schools). I have no messages or alerts that I have a voicemail or a missed call.
So, I call the counselor during nap time (while we have a chance at a conversation NOT interrupted by diaper changes, sharing confrontations or singing explosions). I ask her to confirm the number she called and she doesn’t have it in front of her as it’s the number on the school emergency form. (How can I confirm you’re calling the right cell number if you don’t know what number you called?) Okay, moving on.
“What can I do for you?” I ask (attempting not to be confrontational, paranoid or angry – all things school counselors absolutely hate). The conversation goes like this – Reader’s Digest version (I’m not putting quotes around everything…try to keep up):
Her: Well, today we had a “cyber-bullying talk” in your son’s class and after the talk he asked to speak to me. He said he’s been bullied and teased and he’s had thoughts of suicide.
Me: That’s a bunch of absolute bologna (baloney for those of you that like to be precise). He’s exaggerating and tends to be a drama queen. He’s never said a word to me about suicide.
Her: (at this point, she must be thinking I’m COMPLETELY clueless). Really? He’s never mentioned suicide to you at all?
Me: No, but he’s mentioned the bullying and teasing on the playground that’s gone on for a long time. If he’d mentioned suicide I would certainly get him counseling. He’s lying to you. He likes to exaggerate and lie about things. (I mentioned his electronics restriction for lying about losing his wallet)
Her: Why do you think he feels he needs to lie about things? (INFERRED meaning: what have you done as a parent to cause his lying?)
Me: Do you have children? I have four. (She apparently has two). All of them have lied at one point or another in their life. Every child I have ever dealt with in scouting or church or in any of the children’s activities I’m in have lied. I could tell you the theological reasons are ‘original sin’, but I don’t think you want to have a religious conversation with me. So let me just say that ALL CHILDREN LIE. Adults lie too. The two main reasons for lying are 1) to get out of trouble and 2) to get attention because they don’t think they’re getting enough.
Her: Well, you know with the recent cases of children committing suicide over bullying we are very concerned and watchful right now. I do have a class I need to go to, so I’d like to talk about this on another day. (This was important enough to call me, but not important enough that you need to take care of the situation right now.)
Me: We can talk another day, that’s fine. I’d like to know what the school will be doing about the bullying. These are the same kids that have teased him and been mean to him since Kindergarten through sports teams, and other contacts. When I ask him what playground teachers say when they’re mean to him, he says they tell him to play in other areas. What I’d like to discuss is what the school will be doing to stop the bullying. And, I’d like to know if you’ll be calling the parents of the bullies as well.
Her: Well, that’s an interesting question. I’ll have to get back to you on what we need to do.
The baggage associated with this is in 2nd grade, my (now) 16 year old told a playground teacher he liked to play with fire (as in, he was allowed to light the fires in the fireplace and he liked to watch things burn. He had NEVER started a fire for play or with negative intent). This meant we had to have a psychological profile done on him as he was “exhibiting psychotic tendencies”. I’m waiting for the inevitable paperwork to come home that we need to have this son evaluated.
What bothers me about this? The school counselor has probably talked to my son for a total of possibly 20 minutes during the entire school year. She has no idea who he is, what kind of (great) kid he is, or any idea of what the real story is other than what her psychology books tell her under the heading of “5th grader suicidal”.
I realize that words like suicide are serious and are red flags. I understand that suicidal thoughts are not always noticeable and that you can’t always tell a parent that you’re feeling that way. I know suicide is common in children that are bullied. I realize she’s just trying to do her job.
I wonder, however, if she’ll spend as much time writing notes, calling parents and “figuring things out” for the bullies or if they will be allowed to continue to tease and torment other children. Of course not – this world is all about letting the criminals off with lighter sentences because they have issues. It’s the victims that have to pay, make changes, deal with their issues.
I’m curious when being a kid became synonymous with “there’s a reason you’re this way, it’s not your fault”. Children tease, lie and whine because it’s what they do. I know adults who do it too (probably because they were never made to pay the consequences when they were children). And I wonder when we allowed each other and our children to become so thin-skinned that a criticism or negative word causes such self-esteem issues that it is the cause for alarm.
And, I remind myself; my son has a thin skin and considers any comment that isn’t a blinding compliment disrespect to him. Someone playing a game that he’s not included in is cause for alarm as they no longer like him. He gets a hair cut or new clothes and if the response isn’t appropriate (in his mind) he is sure that no one is his friend. If someone else gets the last donut or cookie or whatever, it’s a national emergency and life isn’t fair. Part of it is hormones, part of it is physiology.
Okay, so when my son comes home we talk about it. See, he’s this bright, sunny, funny, cheerful child that is the last born of four. He thinks that everything should be fair and constantly takes the side of those younger and less-strong than he is. He loves little children and hates to clean his room or do any chore that involves, well chores. He’s good looking and knows it, things everything can be resolved with tears or a smile and wants everyone to be his friend. He just doesn’t understand – no matter how many times we talk about it – which not everyone is going to like him. And that sometimes there’s no good reason for them not to like him, it’s just that they don’t. He’ll try and try to make them like him through sports or talents or funny jokes or being friendly. He’s not a follower – not really a leader either – except people want to be where he is because of who he is.
I ask him about the suicidal thoughts; if he knows what that means and ask why he’s never told me about it. I explain I’m not mad, I just really expected he’d tell me about it instead of some stranger at school who doesn’t even know him. I tell him he’ll need to start seeing a counselor (he asks what that is and I explain his brother has one) as what he’s said is very serious and it’s scary to mom that’s he’s said that.
He skips (yes, skips) out of the room and continues to avoid doing his chores while sitting on my lap, annoying his cousin and dictating orders to his older brother. All while smiling with a twinkle in his eye.
I honestly think it’s a ploy for more attention, but I can’t ignore it. And, if nothing else it will get the school off my back about any future complaints or comments about my obvious lack of parenting skills.
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