April 30, 2010 for Blake
Were you there when the harsh words were said?
Were you there when the hurt feelings showed?
Were you there to dry all the tears?
Or to answer the questions
Why did this happen?
What did I do?
Why don’t they like me?
Aren’t I okay too?
Will you be there tomorrow?
To keep it away
Or watch from the sidelines hoping they stay at bay
Will you stop it next time?
Or the next or the next?
Will you care if more hurt?
Or do you even sense
The long-term distress
And the pain this has caused
Were you there?
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friendship
I have this friend who is worried about her friendships lately. Actually I’m very fortunate to have a lot of people I consider friends; for very different reasons. I have quite a few others I consider acquaintances or remnants or fringe-friends. Then, there are those that you have to be civil to under certain circumstances but you wouldn’t really expect them to toss you the life ring if you were drowning; the anchor, yes, the life ring, no.
When I was a girl (younger, that is), I had a few friends that I thought were my “best friends”. They were the ones you told your secrets to, had slumber parties or play dates with, dreamed about the current ‘crush’ with, and so on. Some of these “best” friends didn’t turn out to stay best friends, in fact they moved on to other friends and left me behind. Okay, it hurt at the moment (probably for awhile), but I moved on. I found other friends, made some, lost some and kept moving on.
As a teenager, I was shy, kind of naïve and pretty innocent. We moved to another state, my father had died and it was a very small town. I made new friends, some that were kind and some that were not. My friends from Jr. High carried into High School, until I changed schools and then those friendships kind of died. It’s hard to be friends when you don’t see each other and hang with a totally different crowd. I made other friends in my last two years of High School.
The one friend from the first place I lived is still my ‘best’ friend; we’ve even lived in the same state for awhile and then she moved with her family to Kentucky. We wrote letters through college, sent each other Christmas cards, birth announcements and emailed when we could. I still call her on her birthday every year; she laughs at the fact I still remember her birthday. I still have some of the letters she sent me (I copied them a few months ago and mailed copies to her).
I moved again, this time to college and made yet another new set of friends. Friends I had fun with, cried with, and whined about men (boys?) with. We played UNO by the hour and made mad late-night (and during chapel skip-) trips to McDonalds when we needed an emergency shake or fries. One friend we bailed out of jail. One friend drove me absolutely nutso-crazy and sometimes today when I think of her I still have a bit of a twitch. Only two of those friends ‘survived’ the end-of-college-getting-a-job-and getting-married change in lifestyle. I am fortunate that both of them live within an hour of me, and that even though we may only see each other once a year or communicate through email or Christmas letters, we know that whatever the other one needed, we would crawl through hot coffee beans to get to the other and help out.
That brings me to now. I’m *past* my mid-forties (I’ll be 47 this birthday) and I have a “new” set of friends. Friends from baseball, scouts, church, bible study, and family (yes, it IS possible to be friends with family members, although I wouldn’t recommend with all family members). If you count the number of *friends* on Facebook, I have 324 of them. They are from all over the map; every facet of my life including elementary, Jr. High, High School and college. I even have THREE friends that are actually friends of friends – two of whom I’ve never actually met in real life. These friends represent all of my “past lives” from childhood to present. Some of them I will never see again in real life; others I see almost every day. Many of them are friends I’ve connected with again even though we may not have ended our previous connections in happy or friendly ways.
So, this friend (the one at the beginning of the post) is a friend of a friend. Yes, we’ve met IRL. And she’s been having friend issues. Friends that don’t agree politically, religiously, or even psychologically. We’ve connected because we think alike in many ways – we also have many differences. Because she’s frequently mentioning that her *friends* have ‘unfriended’, disowned or otherwise abandoned her for one or more reasons, I got to thinking about what a friend really is, should be and should expect…
In my opinion, a friend does not necessarily always agree with you. In fact, I can guarantee that at least two of my local ‘best’ friends don’t agree with me about 35% (if not more) of the time. At one point, one of these friends was the political polar-opposite of me. We disagreed on social justice points, politics and belief systems. We even differed with regards to relationships, men, and families. Sometimes she would make me SO MAD I would want to shout at her (and usually did). Sometimes I would say things that completely ticked her off. She made choices I would have never made about opportunities I never had. But we remained friends through all of that and realized that our friendship wasn’t just about similarities, it was about the connection we shared through our differences. We like (d) the same music, movie stars, movies and could quote movie lines verbatim (warning, that talent will frighten people.) We also balanced each other out with our dislikes and our opinions.
The other one of my local ‘best’ friends is frequently distressed in my choice of music and movies. She doesn’t like the fact that I drink alcohol. Or sometimes how I school my children or the books I read. But she’s one of the first friends I call when I need to vent about my husband or my children or the phone call/email from school regarding said children. It doesn’t matter that we don’t agree or even like the same entertainment choices, she’s a friend when she’s needed (and I hope she feels I return the favor). And, we have lots of fun on our monthly shopping trip, giggling and whining about whatever is bothering us. Our children play together and have been equally disciplined by each of us in turn.
I have friends that we have over for dinner, friends that I have girls night(s) with, friends that I am in youth organizations with and friends that live all over the country and don’t see physically anymore.
I expect my friends to be honest with me. I don’t have to agree with them or like it, but its part of the package of friendship. Don’t like my haircut, okay. Would you prefer I not use that word around your children? (I hate the word “stupid”, by the way. It’s only applicable to squirrels at our house and I don’t like it when anyone uses it.) Are you tired of hearing me rant about politics? Fine, say so. I can’t guarantee I’ll change to suit you, but you need to know I thought about what you said, and determined whether or not I would take it to heart.
I expect my friends to want me to be honest with them. Do I think you’ve lost your mind for spending money or time or supplies on a specific project? I’m going to tell you. Will I support your (soon-to-be-ex) husband if I think you were wrong? Uh-Huh. If we disagree on spanking vs. restriction or abuse vs. criticism, you’ll know exactly where you stand with me. But make no mistake; I won’t leave you unless you tell me to go, far, far, away. Forever. And never come back. Ever. Never. Ever.
I have a friend who will always be my friend in my heart, even though we’re separated and I have no idea where she is. We haven’t talked since I left for college. Her marriage went sour and she moved to an undisclosed location for her safety and the safety of her child. I think of her often and pray for her too. She was a part of my life I will never forget. We did things together that I never did with anyone else and no one would have let me or encouraged me to do them other than her.
I have friends that I really didn’t like much in school, and unfortunately they haven’t changed that much to make me really like them now. But, I can be civil and communicate and share things, memories and laughs with them. And, sometimes I agree with what they say and sometimes they disagree with my views.
I have friends who under no uncertain terms will ever, ever share my political and/or religious views. And I, in turn, disagree with them on those same points. Don’t expect me to send them hate mail or pray for them to get warts or die. I respect their opinions, provided they will respect mine and not criticize or name-call to prove a point.
I think the Kindergarten ideal of best friends doesn’t serve a purpose in adult life. You wouldn’t drive a Ferrari in the desert, anymore than you’d drive a John Deere in a NASCAR race. You can love Monster Trucks and motorcycles and BMW’s and Vanagans. As I said I have friends I see movies with, drink with, eat with, talk with, debate with and laugh and cry with. It is not necessary that they all have the same points of connection with me or my other friends.
My duty to my friends is to be me. If they didn’t like ME (or some part of me), then they wouldn’t be my friend. They could be my employer, my banker, my mechanic or my pharmacist (who are all, oddly enough my friends too) but they wouldn’t need to be my friend or even LIKE me to be any of those things.
This whole “unfriending” thing is more like Jr. High than real life. IRL if you don’t like someone you have to still send your child to school with them, work out at the same gym; visit the same bar/restaurant, shop at the same stores. You don’t expect them to alert you when they’re going to be at any of those places so you can avoid them – and you don’t go out of your way to run them over in the parking lot or key their car or break their eggs.
So why the BIG deal about unfriending, counting friends, deleting posts or slamming people for their opinions or beliefs? And why make it a federal offense for posting or revealing your opinions on the internet? You could Google (apologies to all my Microsoft friends who mistakenly read that as “BING”) any matter of offensive, political, religious or historical information on the internet. Some of it truth, some of it lies and most of it just some person’s perception of the facts. If you don’t want to read someone’s post, then don’t. If it ticks you off, say so. If it ticks you off so badly you don’t want to be their “friend”, I’d seriously reflect on what you’re looking for in a friend and what attracted you to that friendship in the first place. And is the number of friends directly related to whether you’re a great person, or not?
Do you really expect that all your friends have to look like you, act like you, think like you, be like you? What a boring life THAT would be! It would be like the “Stepford Friends”. You would only say the polite things, the PC things, and the most dishonest things you could say because you wouldn’t be you. You’d all dress the same, act the same, eat the same and marry the same type of man. Frankly, this wouldn’t work for me as, although I love my friends’ husbands, I would be in prison for killing many of them if they were married to me.
Part of friendship, as with part of any relationship, should be the ability and the grace to let yourself and your friend grow and change. Sometimes you have all these plans and hopes and dreams when you’re young that just weren’t realistic or in the overall plan to work out that way. If you promised your childhood friend that you’d name your child after them and then, instead named your child after your husband’s mother, how could you possibly hold that against a friend? Or say you got married in Hawaii and your friend had no financial means to make it to the wedding and you’d pinky-promised-swore that you’d be each other’s maid of honor. Would that really be that end of the friendship?
I think we all need to reflect on what kind of friends we need and have in our lives. You need to have at least one friend that you know you could call to bail you out of jail; hopefully you’ll never need to. You should have one friend that will absolutely, positively, at any time be able to watch your favorite movie for the millionth time and cry at all the same spots as the first viewing. One friend you buy shoes with; one friend you tell that you’re pregnant (even possibly before your husband). And at least one friend that knows all of your secrets and would never ever tell them to a sole, even if they were tortured with caffeine withdrawal or screaming children or lack of chocolate for a week. But they should not have to be the same friend. And you should not have to justify your opinions or beliefs to any person regardless of their standing in your life; especially a friend. Because a friend should understand that that’s what makes you, you and shouldn’t want to change that because that’s what makes you a great friend.
Have as many different, whacko, weird, loving, destructive, wild, funny, talented, boring, educated friends as you like. There’s no measurement that will tell you how many is going to make you a better person. Only you can determine that.
When I was a girl (younger, that is), I had a few friends that I thought were my “best friends”. They were the ones you told your secrets to, had slumber parties or play dates with, dreamed about the current ‘crush’ with, and so on. Some of these “best” friends didn’t turn out to stay best friends, in fact they moved on to other friends and left me behind. Okay, it hurt at the moment (probably for awhile), but I moved on. I found other friends, made some, lost some and kept moving on.
As a teenager, I was shy, kind of naïve and pretty innocent. We moved to another state, my father had died and it was a very small town. I made new friends, some that were kind and some that were not. My friends from Jr. High carried into High School, until I changed schools and then those friendships kind of died. It’s hard to be friends when you don’t see each other and hang with a totally different crowd. I made other friends in my last two years of High School.
The one friend from the first place I lived is still my ‘best’ friend; we’ve even lived in the same state for awhile and then she moved with her family to Kentucky. We wrote letters through college, sent each other Christmas cards, birth announcements and emailed when we could. I still call her on her birthday every year; she laughs at the fact I still remember her birthday. I still have some of the letters she sent me (I copied them a few months ago and mailed copies to her).
I moved again, this time to college and made yet another new set of friends. Friends I had fun with, cried with, and whined about men (boys?) with. We played UNO by the hour and made mad late-night (and during chapel skip-) trips to McDonalds when we needed an emergency shake or fries. One friend we bailed out of jail. One friend drove me absolutely nutso-crazy and sometimes today when I think of her I still have a bit of a twitch. Only two of those friends ‘survived’ the end-of-college-getting-a-job-and getting-married change in lifestyle. I am fortunate that both of them live within an hour of me, and that even though we may only see each other once a year or communicate through email or Christmas letters, we know that whatever the other one needed, we would crawl through hot coffee beans to get to the other and help out.
That brings me to now. I’m *past* my mid-forties (I’ll be 47 this birthday) and I have a “new” set of friends. Friends from baseball, scouts, church, bible study, and family (yes, it IS possible to be friends with family members, although I wouldn’t recommend with all family members). If you count the number of *friends* on Facebook, I have 324 of them. They are from all over the map; every facet of my life including elementary, Jr. High, High School and college. I even have THREE friends that are actually friends of friends – two of whom I’ve never actually met in real life. These friends represent all of my “past lives” from childhood to present. Some of them I will never see again in real life; others I see almost every day. Many of them are friends I’ve connected with again even though we may not have ended our previous connections in happy or friendly ways.
So, this friend (the one at the beginning of the post) is a friend of a friend. Yes, we’ve met IRL. And she’s been having friend issues. Friends that don’t agree politically, religiously, or even psychologically. We’ve connected because we think alike in many ways – we also have many differences. Because she’s frequently mentioning that her *friends* have ‘unfriended’, disowned or otherwise abandoned her for one or more reasons, I got to thinking about what a friend really is, should be and should expect…
In my opinion, a friend does not necessarily always agree with you. In fact, I can guarantee that at least two of my local ‘best’ friends don’t agree with me about 35% (if not more) of the time. At one point, one of these friends was the political polar-opposite of me. We disagreed on social justice points, politics and belief systems. We even differed with regards to relationships, men, and families. Sometimes she would make me SO MAD I would want to shout at her (and usually did). Sometimes I would say things that completely ticked her off. She made choices I would have never made about opportunities I never had. But we remained friends through all of that and realized that our friendship wasn’t just about similarities, it was about the connection we shared through our differences. We like (d) the same music, movie stars, movies and could quote movie lines verbatim (warning, that talent will frighten people.) We also balanced each other out with our dislikes and our opinions.
The other one of my local ‘best’ friends is frequently distressed in my choice of music and movies. She doesn’t like the fact that I drink alcohol. Or sometimes how I school my children or the books I read. But she’s one of the first friends I call when I need to vent about my husband or my children or the phone call/email from school regarding said children. It doesn’t matter that we don’t agree or even like the same entertainment choices, she’s a friend when she’s needed (and I hope she feels I return the favor). And, we have lots of fun on our monthly shopping trip, giggling and whining about whatever is bothering us. Our children play together and have been equally disciplined by each of us in turn.
I have friends that we have over for dinner, friends that I have girls night(s) with, friends that I am in youth organizations with and friends that live all over the country and don’t see physically anymore.
I expect my friends to be honest with me. I don’t have to agree with them or like it, but its part of the package of friendship. Don’t like my haircut, okay. Would you prefer I not use that word around your children? (I hate the word “stupid”, by the way. It’s only applicable to squirrels at our house and I don’t like it when anyone uses it.) Are you tired of hearing me rant about politics? Fine, say so. I can’t guarantee I’ll change to suit you, but you need to know I thought about what you said, and determined whether or not I would take it to heart.
I expect my friends to want me to be honest with them. Do I think you’ve lost your mind for spending money or time or supplies on a specific project? I’m going to tell you. Will I support your (soon-to-be-ex) husband if I think you were wrong? Uh-Huh. If we disagree on spanking vs. restriction or abuse vs. criticism, you’ll know exactly where you stand with me. But make no mistake; I won’t leave you unless you tell me to go, far, far, away. Forever. And never come back. Ever. Never. Ever.
I have a friend who will always be my friend in my heart, even though we’re separated and I have no idea where she is. We haven’t talked since I left for college. Her marriage went sour and she moved to an undisclosed location for her safety and the safety of her child. I think of her often and pray for her too. She was a part of my life I will never forget. We did things together that I never did with anyone else and no one would have let me or encouraged me to do them other than her.
I have friends that I really didn’t like much in school, and unfortunately they haven’t changed that much to make me really like them now. But, I can be civil and communicate and share things, memories and laughs with them. And, sometimes I agree with what they say and sometimes they disagree with my views.
I have friends who under no uncertain terms will ever, ever share my political and/or religious views. And I, in turn, disagree with them on those same points. Don’t expect me to send them hate mail or pray for them to get warts or die. I respect their opinions, provided they will respect mine and not criticize or name-call to prove a point.
I think the Kindergarten ideal of best friends doesn’t serve a purpose in adult life. You wouldn’t drive a Ferrari in the desert, anymore than you’d drive a John Deere in a NASCAR race. You can love Monster Trucks and motorcycles and BMW’s and Vanagans. As I said I have friends I see movies with, drink with, eat with, talk with, debate with and laugh and cry with. It is not necessary that they all have the same points of connection with me or my other friends.
My duty to my friends is to be me. If they didn’t like ME (or some part of me), then they wouldn’t be my friend. They could be my employer, my banker, my mechanic or my pharmacist (who are all, oddly enough my friends too) but they wouldn’t need to be my friend or even LIKE me to be any of those things.
This whole “unfriending” thing is more like Jr. High than real life. IRL if you don’t like someone you have to still send your child to school with them, work out at the same gym; visit the same bar/restaurant, shop at the same stores. You don’t expect them to alert you when they’re going to be at any of those places so you can avoid them – and you don’t go out of your way to run them over in the parking lot or key their car or break their eggs.
So why the BIG deal about unfriending, counting friends, deleting posts or slamming people for their opinions or beliefs? And why make it a federal offense for posting or revealing your opinions on the internet? You could Google (apologies to all my Microsoft friends who mistakenly read that as “BING”) any matter of offensive, political, religious or historical information on the internet. Some of it truth, some of it lies and most of it just some person’s perception of the facts. If you don’t want to read someone’s post, then don’t. If it ticks you off, say so. If it ticks you off so badly you don’t want to be their “friend”, I’d seriously reflect on what you’re looking for in a friend and what attracted you to that friendship in the first place. And is the number of friends directly related to whether you’re a great person, or not?
Do you really expect that all your friends have to look like you, act like you, think like you, be like you? What a boring life THAT would be! It would be like the “Stepford Friends”. You would only say the polite things, the PC things, and the most dishonest things you could say because you wouldn’t be you. You’d all dress the same, act the same, eat the same and marry the same type of man. Frankly, this wouldn’t work for me as, although I love my friends’ husbands, I would be in prison for killing many of them if they were married to me.
Part of friendship, as with part of any relationship, should be the ability and the grace to let yourself and your friend grow and change. Sometimes you have all these plans and hopes and dreams when you’re young that just weren’t realistic or in the overall plan to work out that way. If you promised your childhood friend that you’d name your child after them and then, instead named your child after your husband’s mother, how could you possibly hold that against a friend? Or say you got married in Hawaii and your friend had no financial means to make it to the wedding and you’d pinky-promised-swore that you’d be each other’s maid of honor. Would that really be that end of the friendship?
I think we all need to reflect on what kind of friends we need and have in our lives. You need to have at least one friend that you know you could call to bail you out of jail; hopefully you’ll never need to. You should have one friend that will absolutely, positively, at any time be able to watch your favorite movie for the millionth time and cry at all the same spots as the first viewing. One friend you buy shoes with; one friend you tell that you’re pregnant (even possibly before your husband). And at least one friend that knows all of your secrets and would never ever tell them to a sole, even if they were tortured with caffeine withdrawal or screaming children or lack of chocolate for a week. But they should not have to be the same friend. And you should not have to justify your opinions or beliefs to any person regardless of their standing in your life; especially a friend. Because a friend should understand that that’s what makes you, you and shouldn’t want to change that because that’s what makes you a great friend.
Have as many different, whacko, weird, loving, destructive, wild, funny, talented, boring, educated friends as you like. There’s no measurement that will tell you how many is going to make you a better person. Only you can determine that.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Being a parent isn't always fun.
So today I get an email from the school counselor about my youngest child (who shall remain nameless to protect the less-than-innocent). There’s a lot of background to this story, but I’ll focus on today and fill in as it goes.
I got an email because she “attempted to call me but the phone wouldn’t go to voicemail”. This immediately puts me in a weird frame of mind as I’ve had the phone in front of me all morning long (I use it as an alarm clock to make sure I pick up the kids at 11:30 from various schools). I have no messages or alerts that I have a voicemail or a missed call.
So, I call the counselor during nap time (while we have a chance at a conversation NOT interrupted by diaper changes, sharing confrontations or singing explosions). I ask her to confirm the number she called and she doesn’t have it in front of her as it’s the number on the school emergency form. (How can I confirm you’re calling the right cell number if you don’t know what number you called?) Okay, moving on.
“What can I do for you?” I ask (attempting not to be confrontational, paranoid or angry – all things school counselors absolutely hate). The conversation goes like this – Reader’s Digest version (I’m not putting quotes around everything…try to keep up):
Her: Well, today we had a “cyber-bullying talk” in your son’s class and after the talk he asked to speak to me. He said he’s been bullied and teased and he’s had thoughts of suicide.
Me: That’s a bunch of absolute bologna (baloney for those of you that like to be precise). He’s exaggerating and tends to be a drama queen. He’s never said a word to me about suicide.
Her: (at this point, she must be thinking I’m COMPLETELY clueless). Really? He’s never mentioned suicide to you at all?
Me: No, but he’s mentioned the bullying and teasing on the playground that’s gone on for a long time. If he’d mentioned suicide I would certainly get him counseling. He’s lying to you. He likes to exaggerate and lie about things. (I mentioned his electronics restriction for lying about losing his wallet)
Her: Why do you think he feels he needs to lie about things? (INFERRED meaning: what have you done as a parent to cause his lying?)
Me: Do you have children? I have four. (She apparently has two). All of them have lied at one point or another in their life. Every child I have ever dealt with in scouting or church or in any of the children’s activities I’m in have lied. I could tell you the theological reasons are ‘original sin’, but I don’t think you want to have a religious conversation with me. So let me just say that ALL CHILDREN LIE. Adults lie too. The two main reasons for lying are 1) to get out of trouble and 2) to get attention because they don’t think they’re getting enough.
Her: Well, you know with the recent cases of children committing suicide over bullying we are very concerned and watchful right now. I do have a class I need to go to, so I’d like to talk about this on another day. (This was important enough to call me, but not important enough that you need to take care of the situation right now.)
Me: We can talk another day, that’s fine. I’d like to know what the school will be doing about the bullying. These are the same kids that have teased him and been mean to him since Kindergarten through sports teams, and other contacts. When I ask him what playground teachers say when they’re mean to him, he says they tell him to play in other areas. What I’d like to discuss is what the school will be doing to stop the bullying. And, I’d like to know if you’ll be calling the parents of the bullies as well.
Her: Well, that’s an interesting question. I’ll have to get back to you on what we need to do.
The baggage associated with this is in 2nd grade, my (now) 16 year old told a playground teacher he liked to play with fire (as in, he was allowed to light the fires in the fireplace and he liked to watch things burn. He had NEVER started a fire for play or with negative intent). This meant we had to have a psychological profile done on him as he was “exhibiting psychotic tendencies”. I’m waiting for the inevitable paperwork to come home that we need to have this son evaluated.
What bothers me about this? The school counselor has probably talked to my son for a total of possibly 20 minutes during the entire school year. She has no idea who he is, what kind of (great) kid he is, or any idea of what the real story is other than what her psychology books tell her under the heading of “5th grader suicidal”.
I realize that words like suicide are serious and are red flags. I understand that suicidal thoughts are not always noticeable and that you can’t always tell a parent that you’re feeling that way. I know suicide is common in children that are bullied. I realize she’s just trying to do her job.
I wonder, however, if she’ll spend as much time writing notes, calling parents and “figuring things out” for the bullies or if they will be allowed to continue to tease and torment other children. Of course not – this world is all about letting the criminals off with lighter sentences because they have issues. It’s the victims that have to pay, make changes, deal with their issues.
I’m curious when being a kid became synonymous with “there’s a reason you’re this way, it’s not your fault”. Children tease, lie and whine because it’s what they do. I know adults who do it too (probably because they were never made to pay the consequences when they were children). And I wonder when we allowed each other and our children to become so thin-skinned that a criticism or negative word causes such self-esteem issues that it is the cause for alarm.
And, I remind myself; my son has a thin skin and considers any comment that isn’t a blinding compliment disrespect to him. Someone playing a game that he’s not included in is cause for alarm as they no longer like him. He gets a hair cut or new clothes and if the response isn’t appropriate (in his mind) he is sure that no one is his friend. If someone else gets the last donut or cookie or whatever, it’s a national emergency and life isn’t fair. Part of it is hormones, part of it is physiology.
Okay, so when my son comes home we talk about it. See, he’s this bright, sunny, funny, cheerful child that is the last born of four. He thinks that everything should be fair and constantly takes the side of those younger and less-strong than he is. He loves little children and hates to clean his room or do any chore that involves, well chores. He’s good looking and knows it, things everything can be resolved with tears or a smile and wants everyone to be his friend. He just doesn’t understand – no matter how many times we talk about it – which not everyone is going to like him. And that sometimes there’s no good reason for them not to like him, it’s just that they don’t. He’ll try and try to make them like him through sports or talents or funny jokes or being friendly. He’s not a follower – not really a leader either – except people want to be where he is because of who he is.
I ask him about the suicidal thoughts; if he knows what that means and ask why he’s never told me about it. I explain I’m not mad, I just really expected he’d tell me about it instead of some stranger at school who doesn’t even know him. I tell him he’ll need to start seeing a counselor (he asks what that is and I explain his brother has one) as what he’s said is very serious and it’s scary to mom that’s he’s said that.
He skips (yes, skips) out of the room and continues to avoid doing his chores while sitting on my lap, annoying his cousin and dictating orders to his older brother. All while smiling with a twinkle in his eye.
I honestly think it’s a ploy for more attention, but I can’t ignore it. And, if nothing else it will get the school off my back about any future complaints or comments about my obvious lack of parenting skills.
I got an email because she “attempted to call me but the phone wouldn’t go to voicemail”. This immediately puts me in a weird frame of mind as I’ve had the phone in front of me all morning long (I use it as an alarm clock to make sure I pick up the kids at 11:30 from various schools). I have no messages or alerts that I have a voicemail or a missed call.
So, I call the counselor during nap time (while we have a chance at a conversation NOT interrupted by diaper changes, sharing confrontations or singing explosions). I ask her to confirm the number she called and she doesn’t have it in front of her as it’s the number on the school emergency form. (How can I confirm you’re calling the right cell number if you don’t know what number you called?) Okay, moving on.
“What can I do for you?” I ask (attempting not to be confrontational, paranoid or angry – all things school counselors absolutely hate). The conversation goes like this – Reader’s Digest version (I’m not putting quotes around everything…try to keep up):
Her: Well, today we had a “cyber-bullying talk” in your son’s class and after the talk he asked to speak to me. He said he’s been bullied and teased and he’s had thoughts of suicide.
Me: That’s a bunch of absolute bologna (baloney for those of you that like to be precise). He’s exaggerating and tends to be a drama queen. He’s never said a word to me about suicide.
Her: (at this point, she must be thinking I’m COMPLETELY clueless). Really? He’s never mentioned suicide to you at all?
Me: No, but he’s mentioned the bullying and teasing on the playground that’s gone on for a long time. If he’d mentioned suicide I would certainly get him counseling. He’s lying to you. He likes to exaggerate and lie about things. (I mentioned his electronics restriction for lying about losing his wallet)
Her: Why do you think he feels he needs to lie about things? (INFERRED meaning: what have you done as a parent to cause his lying?)
Me: Do you have children? I have four. (She apparently has two). All of them have lied at one point or another in their life. Every child I have ever dealt with in scouting or church or in any of the children’s activities I’m in have lied. I could tell you the theological reasons are ‘original sin’, but I don’t think you want to have a religious conversation with me. So let me just say that ALL CHILDREN LIE. Adults lie too. The two main reasons for lying are 1) to get out of trouble and 2) to get attention because they don’t think they’re getting enough.
Her: Well, you know with the recent cases of children committing suicide over bullying we are very concerned and watchful right now. I do have a class I need to go to, so I’d like to talk about this on another day. (This was important enough to call me, but not important enough that you need to take care of the situation right now.)
Me: We can talk another day, that’s fine. I’d like to know what the school will be doing about the bullying. These are the same kids that have teased him and been mean to him since Kindergarten through sports teams, and other contacts. When I ask him what playground teachers say when they’re mean to him, he says they tell him to play in other areas. What I’d like to discuss is what the school will be doing to stop the bullying. And, I’d like to know if you’ll be calling the parents of the bullies as well.
Her: Well, that’s an interesting question. I’ll have to get back to you on what we need to do.
The baggage associated with this is in 2nd grade, my (now) 16 year old told a playground teacher he liked to play with fire (as in, he was allowed to light the fires in the fireplace and he liked to watch things burn. He had NEVER started a fire for play or with negative intent). This meant we had to have a psychological profile done on him as he was “exhibiting psychotic tendencies”. I’m waiting for the inevitable paperwork to come home that we need to have this son evaluated.
What bothers me about this? The school counselor has probably talked to my son for a total of possibly 20 minutes during the entire school year. She has no idea who he is, what kind of (great) kid he is, or any idea of what the real story is other than what her psychology books tell her under the heading of “5th grader suicidal”.
I realize that words like suicide are serious and are red flags. I understand that suicidal thoughts are not always noticeable and that you can’t always tell a parent that you’re feeling that way. I know suicide is common in children that are bullied. I realize she’s just trying to do her job.
I wonder, however, if she’ll spend as much time writing notes, calling parents and “figuring things out” for the bullies or if they will be allowed to continue to tease and torment other children. Of course not – this world is all about letting the criminals off with lighter sentences because they have issues. It’s the victims that have to pay, make changes, deal with their issues.
I’m curious when being a kid became synonymous with “there’s a reason you’re this way, it’s not your fault”. Children tease, lie and whine because it’s what they do. I know adults who do it too (probably because they were never made to pay the consequences when they were children). And I wonder when we allowed each other and our children to become so thin-skinned that a criticism or negative word causes such self-esteem issues that it is the cause for alarm.
And, I remind myself; my son has a thin skin and considers any comment that isn’t a blinding compliment disrespect to him. Someone playing a game that he’s not included in is cause for alarm as they no longer like him. He gets a hair cut or new clothes and if the response isn’t appropriate (in his mind) he is sure that no one is his friend. If someone else gets the last donut or cookie or whatever, it’s a national emergency and life isn’t fair. Part of it is hormones, part of it is physiology.
Okay, so when my son comes home we talk about it. See, he’s this bright, sunny, funny, cheerful child that is the last born of four. He thinks that everything should be fair and constantly takes the side of those younger and less-strong than he is. He loves little children and hates to clean his room or do any chore that involves, well chores. He’s good looking and knows it, things everything can be resolved with tears or a smile and wants everyone to be his friend. He just doesn’t understand – no matter how many times we talk about it – which not everyone is going to like him. And that sometimes there’s no good reason for them not to like him, it’s just that they don’t. He’ll try and try to make them like him through sports or talents or funny jokes or being friendly. He’s not a follower – not really a leader either – except people want to be where he is because of who he is.
I ask him about the suicidal thoughts; if he knows what that means and ask why he’s never told me about it. I explain I’m not mad, I just really expected he’d tell me about it instead of some stranger at school who doesn’t even know him. I tell him he’ll need to start seeing a counselor (he asks what that is and I explain his brother has one) as what he’s said is very serious and it’s scary to mom that’s he’s said that.
He skips (yes, skips) out of the room and continues to avoid doing his chores while sitting on my lap, annoying his cousin and dictating orders to his older brother. All while smiling with a twinkle in his eye.
I honestly think it’s a ploy for more attention, but I can’t ignore it. And, if nothing else it will get the school off my back about any future complaints or comments about my obvious lack of parenting skills.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Pre-Marital Contracts for the common marriage
After 20 years of wedded “bliss”, I think most marriages could be saved or declared insolvent at the outset, if every relationship required a license and pre-marital agreement. Traditionally Pre-nuptial contracts are drawn up prior to the wedding and are used during the dissolution of the marriage to divide assets and decide who gets what, how much and for how long. But what if you created a pre-marital agreement for marital basics? Now, before you get too upset about this, think about what that agreement could resolve within a marriage.
Household chores: a specific delineation of whose job it REALLY is to clean the bathroom. Is he responsible for wiping up the toothpaste glob in the sink (as he’s always the one that drops it?)? Should she be liable to wipe up the toilet seat when he misses in the middle of the night? Who folds the laundry, sorts the laundry, and puts it away? And what about dusting and vacuuming? Who is required to brew the coffee each and every morning and also responsible for grinding the beans at night (not in the morning while others are attempting to sleep that last few minutes before the alarm clock shatters the silence). And honestly, there needs to be an entire clause, initialed and notarized, regarding supplying and refilling the toilet-paper roll (don’t forget the direction that the paper must fall from the roll when installation is complete). A separate agreement might be included for toothpaste tube lids, dental floss and closing the door during bathroom usage.
Food Service: Grocery shopping is an art form; not a job for fly-by-night apprentices or the untrained. It is therefore designed for one person; preferably the person who is the financial agent in the partnership. If it’s not on the list, it won’t get purchased and there won’t be any arguments about it, including last minute phone calls to the shopper asking for leniency and the acquisition of chocolate chips or a six pack of beer. If you really needed it, it should have been on the list. You’ll know better next time and will learn to think ahead. It is not necessary to ‘ride shotgun’ on a trip to the grocery store. This isn’t the wild west and you won’t be overtaken by marauding raiders scavenging the streets for organic eggs and deli chicken on your way home.
Cooking: Will you divide and conquer or have a totalitarian regime in the kitchen? Is it necessary to call for reinforcements to steam the broccoli, or is it actually possible to cook the entire meal by yourself without help or constant encouragement? Who will do dishes (providing you don’t have children)? And whose fault is it automatically when anyone’s mother’s somethingofvalue becomes broken? Is it really an arguable offense if she is actually able to start and operate the grill “all by herself”? This should include dinner parties and behavior at restaurants and drive-thru as well.
Intimacy and Procreation: Warning – this subject only for *mature* readers. I’m not putting an age qualification on this – you know who you aren’t. How often is too much? Are certain activities off limits – Always or only sometimes? Do you want name calling, silence or play-by-play description? Are specific times of the day inaccessible, or is it negotiable depending on stress level and the number of times you’ll be interrupted by younger citizens of your municipality? How many citizens do you want in your mini-kingdom – remember, this is directly related to how many votes you get in the overall election and congressional appeals process; and will irrevocably affect the financial solvency of your partnership.
Child-rearing and education: Are you anti-private school? Do you shudder when you see a ruler? Is restriction the only answer or would you, could you apply the board of education to the seat of knowledge? What foods will be required to be eaten and how often; will there be certain no-man’s-land foods that will never be allowed to make it out of the grocery store? Do you condone sex education at school, would you prefer to talk about the birds and the bees after you’re a grandparent or do you just hand them a magazine and a laptop? It is a good idea to include a division of labor for phone calls from the principle or disciplinary actions from the school (you really shouldn’t have taught him to burp the ABC’s).
Religion: In most agreements this might be more of a deal breaker than finances or child-rearing. If you’re Jewish and she’s Catholic (what the heck are you doing together anyways?) – how do you decide which guilt-based institution will guide your every decision, argument and life-changing event? In some cases it may be necessary to determine a disinterested third religion to negotiate spiritual issues: a Methodist marrying a Pentecostal could investigate the legitimacy of a Baptist conversion for both parties.
Politics: This one could be tricky. You might be better to attempt to discover marital bliss with a person of indeterminate political persuasion than to willingly marry a spouse of contrary political opinion. However, this also might mean you ‘cancel each other out’ in elections and local voting contests, so you should consider carefully the side of the fence you will be marrying into. This also calls into play which party would be required to sleep on the couch after any dispute and who will automatically be apologizing for all inferred or direct insults towards any family member previously or presently living. You might want to have an allotment for taking sides against the other spouse or appearing to be more comfortable with your family than you are.
Finances: A wise unmarried sage told me that most marital unions dissolve over finances; an overabundance of or the complete lack thereof. Paying bills doesn’t necessarily require a Master’s Degree, but the person capable of squeezing blood from a turnip should also be the person in charge of the family’s finances. This should ultimately be the person who functions best on the smallest amount of sleep and can figure out twelve ways to make a meal out of leftover mashed potatoes. Unless you have an overabundance of funds; in which case that person should be the one able to determine at a moment’s notice where to find the best airfare, rental car and hotel rates for the spur-of-the-moment month-long vacation to the Italian Riviera.
Entertainment: Certain shows should never, ever, under any circumstances be shown in mixed company. Your agreement will need to specifically define how many times during your union you should be expected to watch “Blazing Saddles” and laugh. It should also be identified what classifies as a ‘date night’ movie, if there will be an equal distribution of chick flicks to bombs and bullets, or if you flip a coin and graciously accept the capricious humor of fate. Shows, subjects or themes that will always and without an argument be off-limits should be clearly outlined. There should also be a discussion and delineation of Poker Nights, Girls Nights out and bachelor-party behavior. A sub-clause should be added regarding who is responsible for organizing childcare and what the job description and physical characteristics should be of said part-time member of staff. A penalty clause should be firmly and unmistakably noted in case the organizing spouse is spending more quality time with the nanny than with the other spouse.
With a few well-worded contracts of understanding, I’m sure many marriages might be saved with these helpful processes. Several more might be avoided altogether, therefore salvaging many a tattered soul and possibly putting divorce lawyers out of business. Of course, what fun would there be in that?
Household chores: a specific delineation of whose job it REALLY is to clean the bathroom. Is he responsible for wiping up the toothpaste glob in the sink (as he’s always the one that drops it?)? Should she be liable to wipe up the toilet seat when he misses in the middle of the night? Who folds the laundry, sorts the laundry, and puts it away? And what about dusting and vacuuming? Who is required to brew the coffee each and every morning and also responsible for grinding the beans at night (not in the morning while others are attempting to sleep that last few minutes before the alarm clock shatters the silence). And honestly, there needs to be an entire clause, initialed and notarized, regarding supplying and refilling the toilet-paper roll (don’t forget the direction that the paper must fall from the roll when installation is complete). A separate agreement might be included for toothpaste tube lids, dental floss and closing the door during bathroom usage.
Food Service: Grocery shopping is an art form; not a job for fly-by-night apprentices or the untrained. It is therefore designed for one person; preferably the person who is the financial agent in the partnership. If it’s not on the list, it won’t get purchased and there won’t be any arguments about it, including last minute phone calls to the shopper asking for leniency and the acquisition of chocolate chips or a six pack of beer. If you really needed it, it should have been on the list. You’ll know better next time and will learn to think ahead. It is not necessary to ‘ride shotgun’ on a trip to the grocery store. This isn’t the wild west and you won’t be overtaken by marauding raiders scavenging the streets for organic eggs and deli chicken on your way home.
Cooking: Will you divide and conquer or have a totalitarian regime in the kitchen? Is it necessary to call for reinforcements to steam the broccoli, or is it actually possible to cook the entire meal by yourself without help or constant encouragement? Who will do dishes (providing you don’t have children)? And whose fault is it automatically when anyone’s mother’s somethingofvalue becomes broken? Is it really an arguable offense if she is actually able to start and operate the grill “all by herself”? This should include dinner parties and behavior at restaurants and drive-thru as well.
Intimacy and Procreation: Warning – this subject only for *mature* readers. I’m not putting an age qualification on this – you know who you aren’t. How often is too much? Are certain activities off limits – Always or only sometimes? Do you want name calling, silence or play-by-play description? Are specific times of the day inaccessible, or is it negotiable depending on stress level and the number of times you’ll be interrupted by younger citizens of your municipality? How many citizens do you want in your mini-kingdom – remember, this is directly related to how many votes you get in the overall election and congressional appeals process; and will irrevocably affect the financial solvency of your partnership.
Child-rearing and education: Are you anti-private school? Do you shudder when you see a ruler? Is restriction the only answer or would you, could you apply the board of education to the seat of knowledge? What foods will be required to be eaten and how often; will there be certain no-man’s-land foods that will never be allowed to make it out of the grocery store? Do you condone sex education at school, would you prefer to talk about the birds and the bees after you’re a grandparent or do you just hand them a magazine and a laptop? It is a good idea to include a division of labor for phone calls from the principle or disciplinary actions from the school (you really shouldn’t have taught him to burp the ABC’s).
Religion: In most agreements this might be more of a deal breaker than finances or child-rearing. If you’re Jewish and she’s Catholic (what the heck are you doing together anyways?) – how do you decide which guilt-based institution will guide your every decision, argument and life-changing event? In some cases it may be necessary to determine a disinterested third religion to negotiate spiritual issues: a Methodist marrying a Pentecostal could investigate the legitimacy of a Baptist conversion for both parties.
Politics: This one could be tricky. You might be better to attempt to discover marital bliss with a person of indeterminate political persuasion than to willingly marry a spouse of contrary political opinion. However, this also might mean you ‘cancel each other out’ in elections and local voting contests, so you should consider carefully the side of the fence you will be marrying into. This also calls into play which party would be required to sleep on the couch after any dispute and who will automatically be apologizing for all inferred or direct insults towards any family member previously or presently living. You might want to have an allotment for taking sides against the other spouse or appearing to be more comfortable with your family than you are.
Finances: A wise unmarried sage told me that most marital unions dissolve over finances; an overabundance of or the complete lack thereof. Paying bills doesn’t necessarily require a Master’s Degree, but the person capable of squeezing blood from a turnip should also be the person in charge of the family’s finances. This should ultimately be the person who functions best on the smallest amount of sleep and can figure out twelve ways to make a meal out of leftover mashed potatoes. Unless you have an overabundance of funds; in which case that person should be the one able to determine at a moment’s notice where to find the best airfare, rental car and hotel rates for the spur-of-the-moment month-long vacation to the Italian Riviera.
Entertainment: Certain shows should never, ever, under any circumstances be shown in mixed company. Your agreement will need to specifically define how many times during your union you should be expected to watch “Blazing Saddles” and laugh. It should also be identified what classifies as a ‘date night’ movie, if there will be an equal distribution of chick flicks to bombs and bullets, or if you flip a coin and graciously accept the capricious humor of fate. Shows, subjects or themes that will always and without an argument be off-limits should be clearly outlined. There should also be a discussion and delineation of Poker Nights, Girls Nights out and bachelor-party behavior. A sub-clause should be added regarding who is responsible for organizing childcare and what the job description and physical characteristics should be of said part-time member of staff. A penalty clause should be firmly and unmistakably noted in case the organizing spouse is spending more quality time with the nanny than with the other spouse.
With a few well-worded contracts of understanding, I’m sure many marriages might be saved with these helpful processes. Several more might be avoided altogether, therefore salvaging many a tattered soul and possibly putting divorce lawyers out of business. Of course, what fun would there be in that?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
You Have the Right – Part Two
In discussing this with a friend, he mentioned “in loco parentis” as messenger of this doom. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_loco_parentis refers to the legal responsibility of a person or organization to take on some of the functions and responsibilities of a parent. As parents, we have abdicated our responsibility to our children while on public property such as a school. This is truly a two-edged sword. On one hand, if my child has drugs or other illegal items in his or her backpack or school locker, the school has every right to search those items without parental consent. This also means that your child has access to help through the school to resources like birth control and abortions without your consent.
http://www.komonews.com/news/local/88971742.html At the beginning of every school year I get a huge packet of paperwork to complete, sign and return. One of these forms is a medical release. The release form basically holds the school and district harmless in case your child is injured during a school activity and allows them the ability to act as a parent in making decisions about medical care. Most parents look at this (as I did) and assume it would be used during a field trip or sporting activity; possibly if there were a bomb or a shooting at school. I doubt this mother even considered an abortion as necessary medical care.
I currently have boys so the abortion aspect had never occurred to me; although I have contemplated being very specific about birth control such as condoms. I have signed my kids out of aids awareness and sex-ed discussions and videos in elementary and Jr. High. I recently asked for a list of “R” movies that my teenage son would be ‘required’ to watch in an English class to see if I approved or not (there is a big difference between The Tudors and Braveheart).
I am not a prude. I’m not naïve enough to believe that children won’t experiment with new things – although I can honestly say I must have been the most boring teenager ever as I never even thought of trying ‘that stuff’ or any of the other things my friends had fun with. I was the ‘designated driver’ and the ‘goody two shoes’. I know that not everyone discusses life issues with their children in detailed and honest conversation. I just can’t see the point in discussing condom usage or Aids awareness IN SCHOOL. I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the current school system to teach my children about morals, values and how to put a condom on a banana.
It’s easy to lose track of your kids in school. After elementary school you are no longer really wanted on school grounds except for band concerts, sporting events and to chaperone the occasional dance. Sometimes you might be asked to help in the reading program or a field trip; but you’re pretty much there for taxi service and financial support at this point. Unless you stay on top of the administration, you won’t know what class or teacher your student is signed up for until the first day of class. And, most of us don’t want to rock the boat, so when we’re told “you cannot change classes or teachers after the first day of school”, we acquiesce and let our little darling suffer through junior high hell. And you hope you don’t hear from the principal.
Most Junior High kids no longer have play dates; their friends are sports buddies, locker or section mates. And, they’re surrounded by a larger quantity of kids that have had little ‘quality’ adult guidance with even less teacher intervention. I think the reason there’s no recess in Jr. High is because it would be cheaper to put a boxing ring on the field and let them all duke it out for 15 minute increments. Bullying is more prevalent, peer pressure has really reared its ugly head and then there’s the self-esteem monster. Add in hormones and the angst of attempting to be an independent mini-adult in a child’s body and you’ve got the makings for a huge explosion.
High School is even a bigger pool of hormones, stress and competition. And then there’s that whole college thing.
Some kids make it just fine through these years. Some come out scraped and bruised, but not damaged. I solid foundation of values and morals goes a long way in helping kids navigate through life’s difficult journey. I can’t imagine how kids with more *liberal* parents understand the concept of good vs. evil when ‘nothing is wrong unless you think it’s wrong’. Some things are wrong, even if you don’t think they are. Examples are murder, drugs (non-prescribed) and abuse.
As a parent, I think we have given the schools far too much leeway in parenting our kids. Prayer and Bible are no longer used as curricula, creation is just a theory and, apparently it’s okay for the school to use taxpayer dollars to pay for murder. What a contradictory lesson for the students. We’ll bust you for selling or doing drugs while a student, but we’re more than happy to conceal your unwanted pregnancy from your parents and guide you to a clinic that will make the problem disappear.
I’m sure the parents of the kids involved in the drug bust are upset that their kids were taken from school in handcuffs. I’ll also bet they’re thankful they didn’t have to find out about a ‘paid field trip’ to an abortion doctor. It’s fine with me if you pat down, search the backpack or open and search my kid’s locker. I don’t have an issue with drug-sniffing dogs during random drug searches on school property. Frankly, I would like to know the names of the kids that are wasting my taxpayer dollars, endangering my kids and ruining my community with their illegal and selfish habits.
The constitution gives the right to schools to act as a parent should during school hours and for school activities. This right of the public schools overshadows the freedom of speech, press and association “if an act of a student can interfere with the educational process, that act may, in many cases, be suppressed.” http://www.usconstitution.net/consttop_stud.html
I wonder if the district thought that paying for and encouraging an abortion during school hours in any way interfered with the educational process of that student. And, I wonder if the school district has any thought or concern for the obvious lack of education they provided that student by providing her with a pregnancy test AND an abortion (as well as the means of transportation to get to the clinic). Come to think of it, if they’d done their educational jobs correctly through sex-ed and health, this girl shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place, right?
My 11 year old and I had a discussion after he found out about the drug bust. As a scouting and Christian family, we have frequent discussions about choices, consequences, behavior and results. He was stunned that anyone could be that stupid as to sell drugs (the innocence of this 11 year old). During our conversation, I told him that if he ever was caught selling or doing drugs and was arrested, that he shouldn’t expect to be bailed out of jail anytime soon. Of course, he told friends at school (because, of course it was community news to be dished out over recess on the playground). His friends told their parents, who challenged me with a resounding, “You wouldn’t REALLY let him spend the night in JAIL, would you? What if he got hurt?” I simply smiled and assured them that I would bail him out, but it might take a couple of days. And if he got hurt, then he might have a better teacher than I about consequences and choices.
After all, if the school won’t teach my child about morality, values and consequences through prayer, religious teachings and natural laws, then it returns to me, the parent to teach them in the ways that I see fit. It’s my job to begin with and not the school or the district’s responsibility. But, if as a parent, I negate my power by turning over all education to the school or the public forum and provide no balance or education of my own with my own beliefs, opinions and biases; I must then relinquish my rights as a parent to protect those children from the law of the public forum.
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you…”
Monday, April 5, 2010
You Have the Right... (Part 1)
Recently our local High School was involved in a drug bust during school hours. 11 students were arrested; ranging in age from 15 to 17 years old. The drugs involved were marijuana, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, MDMA, and a variety of prescription medications which were purchased by an undercover Redmond Police officer. This investigation had been ongoing since September of 2009.
Another arrest was made November of 2003 of 5 teens – 16 through 18 years old. Again, from sales made during an undercover operation for marijuana and cocaine.
I could research and find several more instances of drug busts at Redmond High alone. I know there was one during each of my adult daughters’ time at RHS; my husband knew there were drugs during his high school years as well (he graduated in 1972).
In reading the high school newspaper my son brought home, the comments and articles written by students ranged from defending the school and other students to absolute disgust at the lack of rights shown to the students arrested. There were also several comments made on the arrogance of the police force and the obvious distrust students should now feel towards the police; the absolute shock that it was lawful for them to pretend to be a student and “trap” students into selling drugs.
I expect this attitude from teenagers. Adults, after all, are the enemy and we’re just too stupid to really know what it’s like to be a teenager. We’re bossy, nosey and nagging – is it any wonder they keep secrets from us?
I made the poor choice of voicing my opinion about the bust. I felt (and still feel, actually) that these students were not innocent by-standers that were trapped into trusting a student and selling drugs. I feel these kids come from homes that have little parental involvement (regardless of the reason) and have had even less consequential reactions throughout their short, young lives. I would guess over half of them come from families that have higher-than-average income for our area, and are not members of a local church or youth organization. Some of them are in sports; some of them may even get good grades. Of the 11 arrested, I know the names of three; two I know by reputation – and it’s not a good one, trust me. All 11 were arrested on Friday morning and released through bail process by Friday night.
I was frankly very shocked at the local ADULT reaction to the drug bust. Parents were horrified that the local (Seattle) news was alerted to the bust (probably by Redmond Police), that names of the *victims* were released (through Twitter and Face book by about 1200 students) and that they were “taken out of classes in handcuffs like common criminals”. It was also mentioned how traumatic it was to all the other students to have fully uniformed police officers burst into the rooms with drug dogs and watch as their friends were treated like criminals.
The comments continued about the violation of rights these *kids* were subjected to; the drug use/sales were off-campus; it certainly didn’t represent the whole of students at RHS; that it was “only” marijuana; that they were “only” kids; that it’s certainly not the first or last arrest at a high school for drugs. Let’s see, there were comments about legalizing drugs to staunch the flow of drug dealers in schools, what kids do in their private time is their own business, blah, blah, blah.
Parents were notified of the bust via an email from the Principal within about 30 minutes of the drug bust and it was on all three local news stations on the 11 o’clock news. As the kids are at this time considered minors, their names have not been released through the media. As I mentioned above, the students were publically humiliated by their fellow students through “Tweets” and Face Book status updates (via mobile phones). The school was under lockdown until the bust completed and the students removed from the premises. The media interviewed a few students – most of whom echoed the sentiments of the high school newspaper articles mentioned above.
I’ve been reading about the constitution, amendments and the founding of our country. Our government, constitution and even judicial system were based upon Christian principles (America’s Godly Heritage, David Barton; WallBuilder Press, 1993). These principles were used as curriculum for many years to teach values, problem solving and citizenship to school-age children. Prayer and the pledge of allegiance were part of that curriculum.
However, as our country grows, it acts more and more like the rebellious teenager – don’t take the advice of those experienced folks, resist authority; change the rules if you don’t like them. With several court decisions, prayer and the Pledge are out of our schools. And don’t even think about bringing a Bible to class or starting an after-school club about religion.
Another arrest was made November of 2003 of 5 teens – 16 through 18 years old. Again, from sales made during an undercover operation for marijuana and cocaine.
I could research and find several more instances of drug busts at Redmond High alone. I know there was one during each of my adult daughters’ time at RHS; my husband knew there were drugs during his high school years as well (he graduated in 1972).
In reading the high school newspaper my son brought home, the comments and articles written by students ranged from defending the school and other students to absolute disgust at the lack of rights shown to the students arrested. There were also several comments made on the arrogance of the police force and the obvious distrust students should now feel towards the police; the absolute shock that it was lawful for them to pretend to be a student and “trap” students into selling drugs.
I expect this attitude from teenagers. Adults, after all, are the enemy and we’re just too stupid to really know what it’s like to be a teenager. We’re bossy, nosey and nagging – is it any wonder they keep secrets from us?
I made the poor choice of voicing my opinion about the bust. I felt (and still feel, actually) that these students were not innocent by-standers that were trapped into trusting a student and selling drugs. I feel these kids come from homes that have little parental involvement (regardless of the reason) and have had even less consequential reactions throughout their short, young lives. I would guess over half of them come from families that have higher-than-average income for our area, and are not members of a local church or youth organization. Some of them are in sports; some of them may even get good grades. Of the 11 arrested, I know the names of three; two I know by reputation – and it’s not a good one, trust me. All 11 were arrested on Friday morning and released through bail process by Friday night.
I was frankly very shocked at the local ADULT reaction to the drug bust. Parents were horrified that the local (Seattle) news was alerted to the bust (probably by Redmond Police), that names of the *victims* were released (through Twitter and Face book by about 1200 students) and that they were “taken out of classes in handcuffs like common criminals”. It was also mentioned how traumatic it was to all the other students to have fully uniformed police officers burst into the rooms with drug dogs and watch as their friends were treated like criminals.
The comments continued about the violation of rights these *kids* were subjected to; the drug use/sales were off-campus; it certainly didn’t represent the whole of students at RHS; that it was “only” marijuana; that they were “only” kids; that it’s certainly not the first or last arrest at a high school for drugs. Let’s see, there were comments about legalizing drugs to staunch the flow of drug dealers in schools, what kids do in their private time is their own business, blah, blah, blah.
Parents were notified of the bust via an email from the Principal within about 30 minutes of the drug bust and it was on all three local news stations on the 11 o’clock news. As the kids are at this time considered minors, their names have not been released through the media. As I mentioned above, the students were publically humiliated by their fellow students through “Tweets” and Face Book status updates (via mobile phones). The school was under lockdown until the bust completed and the students removed from the premises. The media interviewed a few students – most of whom echoed the sentiments of the high school newspaper articles mentioned above.
I’ve been reading about the constitution, amendments and the founding of our country. Our government, constitution and even judicial system were based upon Christian principles (America’s Godly Heritage, David Barton; WallBuilder Press, 1993). These principles were used as curriculum for many years to teach values, problem solving and citizenship to school-age children. Prayer and the pledge of allegiance were part of that curriculum.
However, as our country grows, it acts more and more like the rebellious teenager – don’t take the advice of those experienced folks, resist authority; change the rules if you don’t like them. With several court decisions, prayer and the Pledge are out of our schools. And don’t even think about bringing a Bible to class or starting an after-school club about religion.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Care for All
http://spectator.org/archives/2010/03/30/americas-quiet-anger
this article expresses my views over our most recent govermental decisions and force-feeding of "care for all".
Excerpt: By James P. Gannon on 3.30.10 @ 6:07AM
There is a quiet anger boiling in America.
It is the anger of millions of hard-working citizens who pay their bills, send in their income taxes, maintain their homes and repay their mortgage loans -- and see their government reward those who do not.
I realize there are a lot of people out of work, not of their own doing or planning. I realize people are disabled, retired, underage or otherwise unable to work. This isn't about them.
I understand that many people don't qualify for health care due to 'pre-existing conditions' or other issues I've never experienced. This isn't about them either.
This isn't about my friends that are attempting to gain legal citizenship, or those that are legal citizens already that for other reasons don't qualify for or can't afford health care.
This article reflects my feelings about those individuals who have bucked the system for so long on my (and others') dime. It's about those that consistently and determinedly find a way to avoid, shirk or get around the “right” way so that they can have what ‘everyone else has’. It’s about those people who seem to think that it’s “unfair” that we have so much when they have so little but are not willing to put the time and effort into working the years or hours that we do.
It’s about the entire attitude that “rich” people are the bad guys and “poor” people deserve to be equal with them. And that “equality” is owed to them regardless of their situation or lawlessness or citizenship or work ethic.
It’s the feeling that somehow the people who believe that this country was settled by people who believed in religion, God, and justice; that these people are less compassionate or benevolent or caring because they actually believe that if you don’t work, you don’t eat. And how it’s somehow okay to hand someone hard earned money earned for by someone else without asking that someone to put in some honest effort.
In this country, if you are poor, unemployed, uninsured, or not a citizen you are deserving of the same benefits as the people who work. And save. And budget. And do without.
I am tired of being called unsympathetic because I expect people to honestly earn what they receive. I am weary of being labeled ‘religious’ or ‘right-wing’ or unsympathetic to the needs of the ‘common man’ because I want the freedom to give my belongings away to that same common man; not have them taken away and distributed as others see fit.
I am impatiently waiting for the day when I can (but hopefully won’t) say “I told you so”. When you realize that there is no more money to take from the “rich” or the working class to feed and pay for the needs of the poor. The day that you realize that it wasn’t healthcare that needed to be reformed; it was the insurance industry that cheats and steals while it plays with people’s lives and health. That day that you understand that throwing more money at the same old problem is like catching water in a sieve. A day that will come when there aren’t enough people working to be able to pay for the equality that is ‘deserved’ by all
I’m glad someone else said it so I could show others that I’m not the only unsympathetic, religious, right-wing nut job out there that feels this way.
this article expresses my views over our most recent govermental decisions and force-feeding of "care for all".
Excerpt: By James P. Gannon on 3.30.10 @ 6:07AM
There is a quiet anger boiling in America.
It is the anger of millions of hard-working citizens who pay their bills, send in their income taxes, maintain their homes and repay their mortgage loans -- and see their government reward those who do not.
I realize there are a lot of people out of work, not of their own doing or planning. I realize people are disabled, retired, underage or otherwise unable to work. This isn't about them.
I understand that many people don't qualify for health care due to 'pre-existing conditions' or other issues I've never experienced. This isn't about them either.
This isn't about my friends that are attempting to gain legal citizenship, or those that are legal citizens already that for other reasons don't qualify for or can't afford health care.
This article reflects my feelings about those individuals who have bucked the system for so long on my (and others') dime. It's about those that consistently and determinedly find a way to avoid, shirk or get around the “right” way so that they can have what ‘everyone else has’. It’s about those people who seem to think that it’s “unfair” that we have so much when they have so little but are not willing to put the time and effort into working the years or hours that we do.
It’s about the entire attitude that “rich” people are the bad guys and “poor” people deserve to be equal with them. And that “equality” is owed to them regardless of their situation or lawlessness or citizenship or work ethic.
It’s the feeling that somehow the people who believe that this country was settled by people who believed in religion, God, and justice; that these people are less compassionate or benevolent or caring because they actually believe that if you don’t work, you don’t eat. And how it’s somehow okay to hand someone hard earned money earned for by someone else without asking that someone to put in some honest effort.
In this country, if you are poor, unemployed, uninsured, or not a citizen you are deserving of the same benefits as the people who work. And save. And budget. And do without.
I am tired of being called unsympathetic because I expect people to honestly earn what they receive. I am weary of being labeled ‘religious’ or ‘right-wing’ or unsympathetic to the needs of the ‘common man’ because I want the freedom to give my belongings away to that same common man; not have them taken away and distributed as others see fit.
I am impatiently waiting for the day when I can (but hopefully won’t) say “I told you so”. When you realize that there is no more money to take from the “rich” or the working class to feed and pay for the needs of the poor. The day that you realize that it wasn’t healthcare that needed to be reformed; it was the insurance industry that cheats and steals while it plays with people’s lives and health. That day that you understand that throwing more money at the same old problem is like catching water in a sieve. A day that will come when there aren’t enough people working to be able to pay for the equality that is ‘deserved’ by all
I’m glad someone else said it so I could show others that I’m not the only unsympathetic, religious, right-wing nut job out there that feels this way.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
2010 Census
If you haven’t mailed in your census form, you need to get it done. Amid all the chaos and flurry of contempt, racial profiling, gender and marital status disagreements, it is a valuable tool in more ways than one in “counting” people. Biblically, Mary and Joseph took part in the census (Luke 2:1-4) and the book of Numbers is a census record (of sorts) of the tribes.
I have to admit I’m a bit irritated by the 2010 census form. First of all, I received a LETTER from the US Government – never a cheery thing in my mind – to remind me that the Census form is coming and to fill it out; a few weeks later I received the actual census form in the mail. Another two weeks and I received a postcard to remind me (again) to fill it out. Boy, I’m glad our country isn’t in debt up to its eyeballs; and that the postal service will be cutting service to 5 days a week to save money. I’m sure the bulk postage rates for the government is slightly less than for civilians, but was it really necessary to send out TWO reminders? I don’t even get reminders to vote from the government during a presidential election year! (Of course, they probably figure I get enough mailings from candidates to fulfill that role, or maybe they just don't want my right-wing, religious vote.)
It’s also odd that I don’t remember getting a form for the 1990 or 2000 census. I’ve lived at this address for 23 years and don’t ever remember completing a census form or having a census worker come to our house. I feel left-out and unnecessary, somehow.
As a genealogist, the census is important for a number of reasons; including finding “lost” family members or confirming residence or nationality of that family. I have used it many, many times in my searches to prove or disprove that that family member was indeed my family member (or not). The old census forms were interesting documents, containing district/county/city/location of the family, number of people in the household (whether related or not), occupations, ages and place of birth for each member of the household. Census forms are made *public* after 72 years; the estimated time a person is expected to live. Keeping in mind that after 72 years, people have died, divorced, re-married or moved, it’s really not that much of an intrusion of privacy.
Our census now only asks for birth date (including year), sex/gender, name, relationship to the first person listed and *race*. The race question has been a hot topic this census season. “Race” is defined (dictionary.com) as a group of persons related by common descent or heredity. Synonymous with tribe, clan, family, stock, line, breed.
If one of the purposes of census is to count racial diversity, then the choices given are adequate, but not nearly enough. For instance, although I may be considered *white*, I am no more or less white than all Hispanics or Latinos are *brown*, African-Americans are *black* or Asians are *yellow*.
Race is not color; although it seems culturally in this day and age, to be adjoined with color. Race is where your people came from. Apparently (according to Dictionary.com) in biological and anthropological systems of classification RACE refers to a group of persons who share such genetically transmitted traits as skin color, hair texture, and eye shape or color. However this is as confusing now as it is insulting. To say all Asians are *yellow* denies the fact that they may be of a mixed ethnic background. To say all *black* people are African-American rejects the idea that they may be Jamaican or not of African descent. To call me *white* means you have completely forgotten about my Irish and Italian ancestors who came to America through Ellis Island and became citizens of their new country.
I was born in America, as were many of the people who are loudly complaining about their civil rights and violation of privacy through the census. I no more consider myself an “Italian-Irish-American” than others should consider themselves “African-American” or “Latino-American”. The question of race is not a matter of what country you claim as your nation of citizenry; it is a question of what group of people do you claim as your heritage? That being said, you are either African or Latin(o) or Irish or Cuban or…
America is a melting pot of nationalities. There have been people far more *native* than I am here for hundreds of years, and we classify them as “Native American” so as not to confuse or insult those from the actual country of India (but are those from India British or Indian?). I agree the form would be confusing to those who don’t know their heritage or sinister to those that suspect a government conspiracy in claiming they were Jewish or Muslim (both considered as race and a religion).
There is also the matter of the *purpose* of knowing that information. If it is to count the number of programs or special interest groups needed to put people on an equal footing; I admit I have suspicions as well as understanding. If the government needs to classify the information, someone has to read, sort, catalogue and guard the secrecy of such documents. Someone needs to read the data and use it to determine how many schools or safety officers or representatives each state or area needs.
The questions could be far better answered by returning to the classic questions of where were you born? Where were your parents born? And what country can claim you as a citizen? Sometimes a computer-read, human interpreted form is not the best way to answer the delicate and multi-faceted questions that the census needs to answer.
Since my choices were “white” (blah, blah, blah) and “other”, I answered all husband and sons’ questions with “white” and mine with “white” and “Irish-Italian”. Yes, I’m really a rebel.
I have to admit I’m a bit irritated by the 2010 census form. First of all, I received a LETTER from the US Government – never a cheery thing in my mind – to remind me that the Census form is coming and to fill it out; a few weeks later I received the actual census form in the mail. Another two weeks and I received a postcard to remind me (again) to fill it out. Boy, I’m glad our country isn’t in debt up to its eyeballs; and that the postal service will be cutting service to 5 days a week to save money. I’m sure the bulk postage rates for the government is slightly less than for civilians, but was it really necessary to send out TWO reminders? I don’t even get reminders to vote from the government during a presidential election year! (Of course, they probably figure I get enough mailings from candidates to fulfill that role, or maybe they just don't want my right-wing, religious vote.)
It’s also odd that I don’t remember getting a form for the 1990 or 2000 census. I’ve lived at this address for 23 years and don’t ever remember completing a census form or having a census worker come to our house. I feel left-out and unnecessary, somehow.
As a genealogist, the census is important for a number of reasons; including finding “lost” family members or confirming residence or nationality of that family. I have used it many, many times in my searches to prove or disprove that that family member was indeed my family member (or not). The old census forms were interesting documents, containing district/county/city/location of the family, number of people in the household (whether related or not), occupations, ages and place of birth for each member of the household. Census forms are made *public* after 72 years; the estimated time a person is expected to live. Keeping in mind that after 72 years, people have died, divorced, re-married or moved, it’s really not that much of an intrusion of privacy.
Our census now only asks for birth date (including year), sex/gender, name, relationship to the first person listed and *race*. The race question has been a hot topic this census season. “Race” is defined (dictionary.com) as a group of persons related by common descent or heredity. Synonymous with tribe, clan, family, stock, line, breed.
If one of the purposes of census is to count racial diversity, then the choices given are adequate, but not nearly enough. For instance, although I may be considered *white*, I am no more or less white than all Hispanics or Latinos are *brown*, African-Americans are *black* or Asians are *yellow*.
Race is not color; although it seems culturally in this day and age, to be adjoined with color. Race is where your people came from. Apparently (according to Dictionary.com) in biological and anthropological systems of classification RACE refers to a group of persons who share such genetically transmitted traits as skin color, hair texture, and eye shape or color. However this is as confusing now as it is insulting. To say all Asians are *yellow* denies the fact that they may be of a mixed ethnic background. To say all *black* people are African-American rejects the idea that they may be Jamaican or not of African descent. To call me *white* means you have completely forgotten about my Irish and Italian ancestors who came to America through Ellis Island and became citizens of their new country.
I was born in America, as were many of the people who are loudly complaining about their civil rights and violation of privacy through the census. I no more consider myself an “Italian-Irish-American” than others should consider themselves “African-American” or “Latino-American”. The question of race is not a matter of what country you claim as your nation of citizenry; it is a question of what group of people do you claim as your heritage? That being said, you are either African or Latin(o) or Irish or Cuban or…
America is a melting pot of nationalities. There have been people far more *native* than I am here for hundreds of years, and we classify them as “Native American” so as not to confuse or insult those from the actual country of India (but are those from India British or Indian?). I agree the form would be confusing to those who don’t know their heritage or sinister to those that suspect a government conspiracy in claiming they were Jewish or Muslim (both considered as race and a religion).
There is also the matter of the *purpose* of knowing that information. If it is to count the number of programs or special interest groups needed to put people on an equal footing; I admit I have suspicions as well as understanding. If the government needs to classify the information, someone has to read, sort, catalogue and guard the secrecy of such documents. Someone needs to read the data and use it to determine how many schools or safety officers or representatives each state or area needs.
The questions could be far better answered by returning to the classic questions of where were you born? Where were your parents born? And what country can claim you as a citizen? Sometimes a computer-read, human interpreted form is not the best way to answer the delicate and multi-faceted questions that the census needs to answer.
Since my choices were “white” (blah, blah, blah) and “other”, I answered all husband and sons’ questions with “white” and mine with “white” and “Irish-Italian”. Yes, I’m really a rebel.
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