Daddy

Dear Daddy:


It’s Father’s Day and I wanted to tell you I love you. I remember a lot of things about you, but most of all I remember feeling loved and protected. I don’t remember ever feeling unloved or unwanted.

I think being a father was different than you expected. You never really got the chance to be a father with Allan (*) and, although you did what you could for him, I’m sure it was very painful to know there was just nothing else you could do. I’m sure it was hard to send him to live somewhere else where they could provide the care he needed. He’s doing well and will probably out-live me.

With me, you had a full-time job. Being older (both you and mom) must have brought some challenges keeping up with a busy baby, toddler and young girl. You never really got to see me as a pre-teen or teenager, or through college or marriage or see your grandchildren.

My ‘fantasy’ involves you sitting with God in heaven and looking down on us all as we go about our days. I wonder if you’d be pleased or put-out with my naming my first-born son James and not Gordon. Mom and most of the Kirkwood’s were less-than-pleased, as they reminded me your name was Gordon and that was what everyone called you. I decided on James after you and your uncle – and to be honest, because I couldn’t saddle a child with the name “Gordon” in 1993. I hope you understand.

Blake has the middle name “Roper” because I have guilt about being a boy and not being able to carry on the Roper name. I don’t know if that bothered you or not, or if you even thought about it; but I carried that with me all throughout my growing up years and resolved that one of my children would carry the middle name of Roper so hopefully the name wouldn’t die out on my watch.

I think some days about how much you would have enjoyed doing things with them; teasing them (like you used to do to me), fishing with them (remember Jess’s Ranch?), or maybe even taking them on trips. That’s all pretty much fantasy too, as your health wasn’t great towards the end and to be honest, you would have been 90-plus by the time James was born.

I hope you would have loved my girls as well; even though, or maybe especially because of the fact that they weren’t mine to begin with. I have two beautiful grandchildren and two wonderful son-in-laws; things you never got to experience. And, sometimes I take it for granted, even though I shouldn’t.

I’m sure you would love my husband. He’s enough like you that you probably would have driven each other nuts, but gotten along well enough to smoke cigars, fish and play poker; and, of course, fought over who was better equipped to take care of me.

Daddy, I don’t always miss you, but you’re never far from my heart or my thoughts. I’m looking forward to the times when I can sit with you in heaven and talk about all the things we’ve missed together.

I love you.



(*) Allan is my father’s son; institutionalized in California with severe mental and physical challenges. He is about 11 years older than I.