Fear

I am scared that no one likes me; that people will laugh at me.

I am afraid that I don’t know what I’m doing; that I’m doing it all wrong.

I’m afraid that I’m a horrible parent and that my children will hate me or turn out horribly.

I’m afraid that I’ll fail.

I’m scared that no matter how hard I work, it will all fall apart.

And yet, every day, I get up and try it all over again.

Proof Positive

On Tuesday I was handed proof that our education system fails our children; more specifically it has failed MY CHILD.  My son reads at a 6^th grade level and does math computations at roughly a 5^th grade level although he’s currently in grade 7^th in our local school.  

I’m sure there are plenty of “reasons” that could be given for the statistics and results of the tests that were provided; but the facts are this:  Regardless of the educational instruction he’s been given since he left private school after 3^rd grade, his “knowledge” hasn’t progressed past the 4^th or 5^th grade level.

Sure, It’s “my fault” because I homeschooled him in 6^th grade.  Or, it’s the change from private to public to home-school in four years time. Or, he has a learning disability (he doesn’t).  Maybe he needs to be medicated (he doesn’t). 

Sadly, I could spend a lot of time and energy and emotion blaming or faulting someone or something for the problem; instead I’m going to take charge and spend MORE MONEY fixing the problems that have been created; money that I’d rather spend on vacations or clothing or food or just about anything else.

I’m furious that I need to make the decision to spend money to fix a problem that wasn’t created by ME OR MY CHILD.  I’m outraged that, year after year, budget after budget, levy after levy; the school district has the nerve to ask for even more money to fund a system that just isn’t working.  Not just for MY CHILD, but for many other children and parents and families who find themselves driving long distances, re-organizing calendars, and finding alternative ways to finance tutoring and educational assistance for children that the current school system just isn’t helping.  Because their system is faulty, flawed and just plain falling down useless.  

According to the National Center for Education Statistics about $10K per child is spent annually through government funded schools (Public – 2007/2008 figures).  http://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=66 So because my child is falling behind in basic skills and processes and educational instruction; based on his last three years of public education (4^th, 5^th and 7^th grades), I’d like a refund of $15K, please.  I calculate at $30K for three years (that’s on the low side, as the cost per student has increased since 2008), and if I assume he learned half of what he needed to know (which is a fairly large assumption based on the assessment test results I received) I think asking for half of those funds back is only reasonable.  

The largest majority of his 4^th grade year was spent instructing students to pass the WASL and 5^th grade (for us) was lost mostly to bullying and social struggles, which is why I pulled him out and home-schooled for 6^th grade.  7^th grade has been a lost year as well, as without the foundation of 4^th-6^th grades, he falls further and further behind.  And, to make matters worse, the system would just pass him onto the next grade instead of finding out ways to help him.  Failing grades in CORE SUBJECTS and they just move him up to the next level of frustration.

With this refund of $15,000, I can afford to pay for the roughly 200 hours of tutoring that’s estimated to be needed to get him ready for 8^th grade in the fall; and have enough to have him tutored for another 200 or so hours to keep him up to speed.

I am shocked at how much the educational system has changed in 30 years.  I don’t remember struggling in school; only in one class – Algebra.  My teacher worked with me after school, every day; my mother worked with me during homework, every night and I worked hard during class; only to pull a “D” out of the year.  My teacher and my mother communicated almost weekly on my progress, challenges and ways I could improve.  The rest of my classes, although not easy, weren’t particularly hard either.  I studied for tests, did and turned in homework and was a “B” student in every other class but that Algebra class.  I don’t remember having issues with writing assignments, studying for tests, organizing my binder or turning in homework.  And if I had, I knew that before I had gotten home from school, my teacher would have called my mother and worked out a solution to the problem.  No emails, no computerized grade system, no online ‘web-notes’, no daily agenda (calendar/day planner) to complete.  

My son struggles with division because he doesn’t adequately remember his multiplication tables.  My third grade teacher, Mrs. Potter (who was 80 when she taught me that year) made us memorize our multiplication tables until I’m sure we could say them in our sleep.  I think I still can say them all without much of a memory lapse after 40 years.  Without multiplication knowledge, one can’t calculate fractions or process any higher functions of math.  You can’t even go the grocery store and buy more than one soda without needing multiplication.

Reading 7^th grade story problems and text books are twice as hard when your vocabulary level is only at the 6^th grade level.  Spelling, writing and just plain understanding anything is all affected by reading.

Is my son smart?  Oh yes!  Does he have a disability?  No.  Can he learn?  Yes!

But the schools have focused more on test scores and passing kids from one grade to the next without actually finding out what the kids know and don’t know.  He would have been “graduated” to 8^th grade in June even with failing grades in all four core subjects.  It’s easier to overlook the actual problem than it is to fix it.  Their solutions?  A set place and time to do homework.  Checking the online system for what’s due (this subject is another ENTIRE post on its own).   Writing homework in the agenda.  Providing Motivation for him to complete.  And the grand finale?  Summer School.  They want me to send my child to the same system that is already failing him for another two months at an additional cost.  

So, here we are, less than two months before 7^th grade is over, financing 200 hours of tutoring to get him back to where he needs to be.  Thanks for nothing Public School educational system. 

How many of our kids graduate from High School?   According to the Alliance for Excellent Education http://www.all4ed.org/files/Washington_wc.pdf “about 62 percent of all students in Washington (State) graduate from high school with a regular diploma in 4 years.”   That’s 38 out of every 100 kids in OUR STATE ALONE who don’t graduate from High School.

“Since 1983, more than 10 million Americans reached the 12th grade without having learned to read at a basic level. In the same period, more than 6 million Americans dropped out of high school altogether.” (Reference: Education Statistics Reference Information “A Nation Still at Risk, U.S. Department of Education, 1999)

Why is our educational system so flawed?  I don’t know.  I’d like to think that it’s a simple solution.  More likely, it’s changing the entire system to be more beneficial and useful to all children in our country.  

I do wonder though how many of our graduated students who can barely read at an 8^th grade level will eventually end up on welfare or other government-aid programs.  And I wonder if that’s been the goal all along…

The Pity Party

Every time we start to get our heads above water, something happens and we lose all the progress we’ve gained.  

The car needs repairs, something major in the house needs replaced, braces, surgery, tutoring, activities.

I know God is my strength and that he gives us strength to deal with the issues he passes our way, but I am struggling with keeping my focus on the positive.  It takes so much energy to just get through a day.  

Some days I feel I’ve accomplished a lot only to have one little tiny thing completely destroy any progress that’s been made.

I am so tired of struggling, fighting, battling, and working.  For nothing.

Everything costs money.  

No matter how much we cut back or do without there’s always something else that has to be cut or trimmed or left out.  And then there’s always something that steps in to suck up the benefit.  Every time.

Yes, I know we have more than a lot.  And I know there are lots of things we don’t need.  It’s too overwhelming to take it all in.  

It’s just too much.  I don’t want to keep plugging away for no return.  No gain.

Goals?  I had them once.  I wanted to travel with my family, live in a well-kept house, and have a farm and a garden and a nice car.  Material things, sure, but I never planned or expected to have every day, every effort destroyed by such small matters that topple the entire structure.

Retirement?  That’s a fantasy.  Travel?  Even a plane trip is out of reach.  Bucket list?  Not even worth listing anymore.

What could I cut out?  Drinking, socializing, and dinners out.  No more candle or cooking parties.  Sell the large gas guzzler and get a more fuel efficient car.  Fire the housecleaner. Sell the junk we have.  Move to a smaller place.  No vacations, scout activities or extra-curricular events.  No more pets.  No more seafood or espressos.  Get rid of cable and cell phones.  No garden or flowers or yard/household items.

I could stop working from home – including the new business I’ve just spent money in starting – and get a job in the ‘real world’.  I could make more money and spend less time at home.  Put money in a 401(k) or IRA.  

What is the point of working so hard when it’s all just a whisper away from disappearing? 

Sharing the Bathroom with Strangers

I am the only human female that resides in our house; two female cats and one female dragon doesn’t balance the scale when it comes to bathroom matters.  One husband and two teenage males make for some interesting occurrences when it comes to sharing the bathroom with them.  Okay, technically, they’re not really strangers, but they’re strange so it counts.

Showering:        My husband insists that when we are home together that we shower together.  We have two shower heads for this purpose; and, to be blunt, both of my male children were conceived using the “save water, shower with a friend” method.  I’m sure there is some statistical conception study that could be documented on that statement alone, but I’ll try to keep this a family-friendly show.  The difficulty (for me only) in showering with THIS friend is that I like my water HOT and my friend likes his water tepid.  I am able to wash my body and shampoo my hair in about 5-8 minutes, my friend shaves, washes, washes, washes and washes in about 15.  And then, well, he wants me to wait around until he’s finished so we can, um, finish together.  Add this to the fact that he’s always behind schedule, we are usually rushed for time and well, I’m not always very “friendly” when I’m rushed for time.  And it’s MORNING.  And I’m NEVER FRIENDLY in the morning. 

Toilet:   Two of the men folk sit down to use the toilet, regardless of the bodily function they need to perform.  This keeps the toilet and seat clean and, if they “miss” they both clean up after themselves.  The other “man” doesn’t sit; he refuses to aim and “forgets” to clean up after himself.  As he’s currently the shortest of the three males (but probably not for long), this problem will only get worse the taller he gets.  Just to be clear, I do not stand when I use the toilet and I always clean up after myself, however it is always my turn to follow the youngest/shortest male after he’s used the facilities.  This means I need to check before I sit, which means that I have to be paying attention when I’m using the facilities and, well, I’m a mom.  The reality is that I have about 3.5 seconds to perform my “function” before something will explode, implode, catch on fire, cause crying or blood to occur with some member of the household; or before the phone will ring and I will be required to answer it because we have an answering machine and it would be rude to have the machine answer the phone while mom is using the facilities.

Towels:               We have approximately 8 hooks or (towel) bars in our bathroom.   Towels are meant to be hung or suspended from these devices fresh from the laundry or after being used.  Oddly enough, we only have one floor which is usually the repository for the towels.  Two of the hooks are on the back of the door and I hang my bathrobe on one and my towel on the other.  It is not unusual for me to use my towel for several days (about 3) before I throw it in the laundry.  I likely would use my towel for 5 days if by day three it were not used by one of the other males in the house (usually the youngest/currently shortest one) and left on the floor in a pile after being stepped on.  It is also soaking wet; almost as if one took the shower wearing the towel instead of using the towel to dry one’s body off with. 

Clothing:  It is the custom to shower without clothing on.  I’m not confused by this; I am however confused with the practice of leaving the removed clothing in a pile on the floor of the bathroom (with the soaking towel mentioned above) for days on end. Or leaving the clothing on the floor of the hallway (after it has been removed from the bathroom by someone other than the owner of said clothing).  If I left my female clothing on the floor of the bathroom or hallway for days on end, I’m sure some male person would become embarrassed by the sight of certain aspects of female clothing and make a comment about it.  Teenage males become uncomfortable around female clothing if it belongs to their mother; however they have no idea that stepping over male-type clothing on a continuous basis is uncomfortable for the sole female in the house. 

Miscellaneous:  Don’t use my hairbrush and then complain that my hair is in my hairbrush, falls out of my hairbrush and onto your head because you’re using my hairbrush.  Get your own hairbrush.  

Don’t leave the lids of the shampoo/toothpaste/conditioner/body wash/hand soap/shaving crème off the container or open.

Don’t stare at me while I’m putting on make-up, jewelry or styling my hair and make comments like “Wow, I didn’t know you knew how to do that!”

Don’t leave a quarter-sized (or any-sized) glob of toothpaste in the sink. 

Don’t complain that the bathroom smells when you choose not to turn on the fan.  It’s also necessary to turn on the fan while taking a shower in water so hot it would boil an egg in the time it takes you to complete your shower.

Don’t write your name or song lyrics or smiley faces in the steamed-up mirror.

Don’t write your name or song lyrics or smiley faces in the toilet.  Ever.

Don’t leave the door open while in the bathroom.

Don’t just barge in the bathroom if the door is closed.  Knock first AND WAIT for an answer.

Don’t yell at me through the door, expect me to answer the phone, ask for help with your homework, inquire what’s for dinner, discuss which shoes you should (or shouldn’t) wear or ask for a play date/sleepover/friend to come over while I’m in the bathroom for my allotted 3.5 seconds of the day.  Pounding on the door is also not helpful.

And, finally, I think the Olympics should have a team competition called “Bathroom Brawl”.  There should be one toilet per four bodies, the room can be no larger than 4’ x 10’ and must contain a full bath/shower, a sink, cabinet and the toilet.  One contestant must be a female who has had children; one contestant must be a middle-aged male on a diuretic.  All contestants will begin their challenge in a four-door car after having been fed a full meal and beverages.  They must race from the car (after unloading the take-home boxes, purses, coats and sporting equipment) to a door.  One of the teammates must fumble for the key to unlock the door while juggling the items in his or her hand (and needing to use the bathroom).  After being shouted at by the other members of the team, the door will be unlocked by another member and all four contestants must charge through the door, put down their items and call out their place in the bathroom lottery.  The first team to have all four contestants use the bathroom without peeing their pants wins.

Free!

Why not free everything?  Don’t we all, as human beings, have a RIGHT to have: 

Free Housing    

Free food          

Free fuel

Free transit

Free cars

Free toys

Free coffee

Free medical

Free clothing

Free shoes

Free education

Free internet

Free Tele/cell phones

Free email

Free insurance

Free travel

I say we just send all of our money, stocks, paychecks and spare change to the government and then we can live free of everything!  I wonder what happens when the government runs out of money and needs to find another way to finance the “everything is free” plan…

There are two freedoms - the false, where a man is free to do what he likes; the true, where he is free to do what he ought.  ~Charles Kingsley

Ch-ch-ch-changes

We went out to dinner last night; that’s not really blog-worthy as we eat out/order in more than we should; although I am trying to hold it to two eat outs and two order in's per month. 

What IS blog-worthy is that some pretty neat things happened while eating out.  It was just the three of us (“Tall-Skinny” is house-sitting) and we had errands to run so we left the house almost immediately after hubby got home from his hour commute (after staying 30 minutes late at work to complete a fix that he couldn’t do during the work day because of a FOUR-HOUR meeting). 

We drove to Red Robin; our choice of the night.  I wonder how other families choose their eating out place(s)?  Ours isn’t quite rock-paper-scissors, it’s more like we all say where we want to eat for the night and the majority wins.  If there’s no majority, then we try to remember who chose last time and delete their vote.  To be honest, we usually let the kids “win”.  They’re old enough now that if hubby and I want to go somewhere else, we’ll save it for “date night” and let the kids suffer with Peanut Butter/Nuttella sandwiches or macaroni & cheese. 

So, tonight all three of us wanted Red Robin (which is pretty blog-worthy in and of itself because we rarely all agree on the same place).  There wasn’t a line and we were seated right away, chose what we wanted and waited for our server. 

Here’s one of the noteworthy parts:  We didn’t order an appetizer, dessert and only hubby ordered alcohol.  Even more noteworthy is that I ordered WATER.  I didn’t order a Bailey’s shake (yummy) or a “Sand in the Shorts” (yummy as well) or a soda.  WATER.  Okay, my meal was off the appetizer menu, but it was my meal.

Our total bill came to $44 before tip; but it got even better.  I have a “Royalty Rewards” card which I forget about but remember to drag out when we’re paying.  We got one item free (the most expensive one, at that) for purchasing cumulative 10 items (there were only 5 on this order; 5 from previous visits).  That brought our bill down to $32 before tip; I left an $8 tip.  We paid $40 for the three of us to eat.  Right, that’s more than $12/person (including tip) but usually a meal out for three of us is $50 before tip because we order all the other crud that restaurants depend on to pad their income.

And did I mention that I ORDERED WATER.  I really don’t like water.  I know I’m supposed to drink more of it and I did a great job during pregnancy drinking my huge glasses continuously (and during nursing too), but frankly, water is just, bleh.  And flavored water is flavored bleh.  So I don’t usually drink my water during dinner.

Next cool thing was I checked the calorie count on the two things I was interested in eating (not salad, btw).  They were about the same, so I chose one that sounded the best.  I usually don’t check the calorie count before I order; I just throw caution to the wind and live on the edge.

Dinner was over and we needed to go to the pet store so I decided to walk across the parking area instead of getting in the car and driving there.  Yeah, I know what a sacrifice, but I had to work off some of the dinner calories somehow!  We all walked there (and back) to the car and then went on to our other errand.

All in all, after I logged in my counts for the day, I was only 35 calories over my goal for the day which made me feel I’d made some pretty good choices.  

Haiku (or not)

Warm bed

Full bladder

Which wins?

Little spider

shower ceiling

Stop staring

(no spiders were harmed in the writing of this Haiku)