I am the only human female that resides in our house; two female cats and one female dragon doesn’t balance the scale when it comes to bathroom matters. One husband and two teenage males make for some interesting occurrences when it comes to sharing the bathroom with them. Okay, technically, they’re not really strangers, but they’re strange so it counts.
Showering: My husband insists that when we are home together that we shower together. We have two shower heads for this purpose; and, to be blunt, both of my male children were conceived using the “save water, shower with a friend” method. I’m sure there is some statistical conception study that could be documented on that statement alone, but I’ll try to keep this a family-friendly show. The difficulty (for me only) in showering with THIS friend is that I like my water HOT and my friend likes his water tepid. I am able to wash my body and shampoo my hair in about 5-8 minutes, my friend shaves, washes, washes, washes and washes in about 15. And then, well, he wants me to wait around until he’s finished so we can, um, finish together. Add this to the fact that he’s always behind schedule, we are usually rushed for time and well, I’m not always very “friendly” when I’m rushed for time. And it’s MORNING. And I’m NEVER FRIENDLY in the morning.
Toilet: Two of the men folk sit down to use the toilet, regardless of the bodily function they need to perform. This keeps the toilet and seat clean and, if they “miss” they both clean up after themselves. The other “man” doesn’t sit; he refuses to aim and “forgets” to clean up after himself. As he’s currently the shortest of the three males (but probably not for long), this problem will only get worse the taller he gets. Just to be clear, I do not stand when I use the toilet and I always clean up after myself, however it is always my turn to follow the youngest/shortest male after he’s used the facilities. This means I need to check before I sit, which means that I have to be paying attention when I’m using the facilities and, well, I’m a mom. The reality is that I have about 3.5 seconds to perform my “function” before something will explode, implode, catch on fire, cause crying or blood to occur with some member of the household; or before the phone will ring and I will be required to answer it because we have an answering machine and it would be rude to have the machine answer the phone while mom is using the facilities.
Towels: We have approximately 8 hooks or (towel) bars in our bathroom. Towels are meant to be hung or suspended from these devices fresh from the laundry or after being used. Oddly enough, we only have one floor which is usually the repository for the towels. Two of the hooks are on the back of the door and I hang my bathrobe on one and my towel on the other. It is not unusual for me to use my towel for several days (about 3) before I throw it in the laundry. I likely would use my towel for 5 days if by day three it were not used by one of the other males in the house (usually the youngest/currently shortest one) and left on the floor in a pile after being stepped on. It is also soaking wet; almost as if one took the shower wearing the towel instead of using the towel to dry one’s body off with.
Clothing: It is the custom to shower without clothing on. I’m not confused by this; I am however confused with the practice of leaving the removed clothing in a pile on the floor of the bathroom (with the soaking towel mentioned above) for days on end. Or leaving the clothing on the floor of the hallway (after it has been removed from the bathroom by someone other than the owner of said clothing). If I left my female clothing on the floor of the bathroom or hallway for days on end, I’m sure some male person would become embarrassed by the sight of certain aspects of female clothing and make a comment about it. Teenage males become uncomfortable around female clothing if it belongs to their mother; however they have no idea that stepping over male-type clothing on a continuous basis is uncomfortable for the sole female in the house.
Miscellaneous: Don’t use my hairbrush and then complain that my hair is in my hairbrush, falls out of my hairbrush and onto your head because you’re using my hairbrush. Get your own hairbrush.
Don’t leave the lids of the shampoo/toothpaste/conditioner/body wash/hand soap/shaving crème off the container or open.
Don’t stare at me while I’m putting on make-up, jewelry or styling my hair and make comments like “Wow, I didn’t know you knew how to do that!”
Don’t leave a quarter-sized (or any-sized) glob of toothpaste in the sink.
Don’t complain that the bathroom smells when you choose not to turn on the fan. It’s also necessary to turn on the fan while taking a shower in water so hot it would boil an egg in the time it takes you to complete your shower.
Don’t write your name or song lyrics or smiley faces in the steamed-up mirror.
Don’t write your name or song lyrics or smiley faces in the toilet. Ever.
Don’t leave the door open while in the bathroom.
Don’t just barge in the bathroom if the door is closed. Knock first AND WAIT for an answer.
Don’t yell at me through the door, expect me to answer the phone, ask for help with your homework, inquire what’s for dinner, discuss which shoes you should (or shouldn’t) wear or ask for a play date/sleepover/friend to come over while I’m in the bathroom for my allotted 3.5 seconds of the day. Pounding on the door is also not helpful.
And, finally, I think the Olympics should have a team competition called “Bathroom Brawl”. There should be one toilet per four bodies, the room can be no larger than 4’ x 10’ and must contain a full bath/shower, a sink, cabinet and the toilet. One contestant must be a female who has had children; one contestant must be a middle-aged male on a diuretic. All contestants will begin their challenge in a four-door car after having been fed a full meal and beverages. They must race from the car (after unloading the take-home boxes, purses, coats and sporting equipment) to a door. One of the teammates must fumble for the key to unlock the door while juggling the items in his or her hand (and needing to use the bathroom). After being shouted at by the other members of the team, the door will be unlocked by another member and all four contestants must charge through the door, put down their items and call out their place in the bathroom lottery. The first team to have all four contestants use the bathroom without peeing their pants wins.
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