The Pity Party

Every time we start to get our heads above water, something happens and we lose all the progress we’ve gained.  

The car needs repairs, something major in the house needs replaced, braces, surgery, tutoring, activities.

I know God is my strength and that he gives us strength to deal with the issues he passes our way, but I am struggling with keeping my focus on the positive.  It takes so much energy to just get through a day.  

Some days I feel I’ve accomplished a lot only to have one little tiny thing completely destroy any progress that’s been made.

I am so tired of struggling, fighting, battling, and working.  For nothing.

Everything costs money.  

No matter how much we cut back or do without there’s always something else that has to be cut or trimmed or left out.  And then there’s always something that steps in to suck up the benefit.  Every time.

Yes, I know we have more than a lot.  And I know there are lots of things we don’t need.  It’s too overwhelming to take it all in.  

It’s just too much.  I don’t want to keep plugging away for no return.  No gain.

Goals?  I had them once.  I wanted to travel with my family, live in a well-kept house, and have a farm and a garden and a nice car.  Material things, sure, but I never planned or expected to have every day, every effort destroyed by such small matters that topple the entire structure.

Retirement?  That’s a fantasy.  Travel?  Even a plane trip is out of reach.  Bucket list?  Not even worth listing anymore.

What could I cut out?  Drinking, socializing, and dinners out.  No more candle or cooking parties.  Sell the large gas guzzler and get a more fuel efficient car.  Fire the housecleaner. Sell the junk we have.  Move to a smaller place.  No vacations, scout activities or extra-curricular events.  No more pets.  No more seafood or espressos.  Get rid of cable and cell phones.  No garden or flowers or yard/household items.

I could stop working from home – including the new business I’ve just spent money in starting – and get a job in the ‘real world’.  I could make more money and spend less time at home.  Put money in a 401(k) or IRA.  

What is the point of working so hard when it’s all just a whisper away from disappearing?