A HUGE Bottle of White-out!

I began a post on the subject of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) vs. allowing same-sex couples to marry in December of 2010.  I edited it a few times, but never posted it; after recent events, I've decided to made a few more edits and post.

This last week, the Supreme Court of the United States made a determination that not allowing same-sex marriages and their participants the same benefits as one-man-one-woman marriages was discriminatory.

I have maintained for a very long time that if our government decides to allow marriage between people solely based on love; while allowing them all the benefits of marriage (but none of the natural benefits of child-bearing); our country is doomed in many ways -- least of all in our population and economy.  This is not just a religious problem but an issue of historic proportion.

It will also open Pandora's box to a host of other related issues, including adoption/foster/child welfare, divorce and may well open the doors to polygamy and child-marriage being considered acceptable and legal.

My original blog post referenced a letter dated January 31, 1997 written by Barry R. Bedrick Associate General Counsel to The Honorable Henry J. Hyde, Chairman, Committee on the Judiciary, House of Representatives.  The letter addressed Mr. Hyde's query "in your September 5, 1996, letter, to identify federal laws in which benefits, rights, and privileges are contingent on marital status."

The letter and supporting documentation can be found here.

Mr. Bedrick's cover letter concludes:  “The result is a collection of 1049 federal laws classified to the United States Code in which marital status is a factor. “

It continues…

“To give readers a sense of the kinds of federal laws in which marital status is a factor, we classified the laws on the list into the following 13 categories⁴:

• Social Security and Related Programs, Housing, and Food Stamps
• Veterans' Benefits
• Taxation
• Federal Civilian and Military Service Benefits
• Employment Benefits and Related Laws
• Immigration, Naturalization, and Aliens
• Indians
• Trade, Commerce, and Intellectual Property
• Financial Disclosure and Conflict of Interest
• Crimes and Family Violence
• Loans, Guarantees, and Payments in Agriculture
• Federal Natural Resources and Related Laws
• Miscellaneous Laws

While we believe this classification scheme is useful for organizing the hundreds of statutes on the list, and for representing the range of federal programs and activities in which the law makes marital status relevant, it should not be regarded as definitive.

⁴The order of the categories is not significant, except that the first four are those in which marital status is most pervasive, and are the largest.”

Another source I read in my research was located at Great Green Room.

This post discusses the "Legal Consequences of Marriage".  

"Summary: To understand what we are talking about when we talk about extending the rights and responsibilities of civil marriage to gay couples, it is important to understand what those rights and responsibilities are. After some general discussion of what marriage is in a broader sense, this essay provides a summary of the ways in which married couples are treated specially by the law."

The author discusses what marriage is; civilly, fundamentally and religiously.  

"Public recognition of a marriage by the community, the churches and the government can be interlinked. Often a single wedding ceremony can formally establish all three. But they are still fundamentally separate. You can have a civil wedding without a religious wedding, a religious wedding without a civil wedding, and community recognition without either."

The author references the letter I used above and further clarifies a few points:  

"In 1997, when Congress asked the General Accounting Office for a summary of the Federal Laws that treat married people differently from unmarried people, their report turned up 1049 such laws. There are probably more. Even the GAO wasn't eager to do all the work necessary to make a complete list.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. The fifty states each have their laws that frequently give special rights and responsibilities to married couples. Connecticut's Office of Legislative Research did a similar report on laws in which marital status was a factor, and found 588 such laws. Other states probably have about as many, all different from each other, so on the state level there are probably 30,000 laws relating to marriage. And who knows what laws various municipalities might have.

Besides that, there are also companies that give different treatment to married couples. I'm no lawyer, so I'm not sure how legalization of gay marriages will effect what private companies do, but my guess is that one way or another, most private companies would eventually fall in line with government policy.

So, here's my best list of the more significant legal effects of marriage:

• Taxes: Taxes are different for married couples. Tax law treats a married couple almost like they were one person. This has advantages and disadvantages
• Health Care: When a person is seriously ill and not able to make their own decisions, hospitals regularly turn to the person's spouse to make health care decisions, up to and including whether to disconnect a person from life support.
• Judicial: Married people cannot be required to testify against each other in court.
• Government Assistance: Married people can get higher payments from some government assistance programs, including Medicaid, supplemental security income, and federal employee and veteran's disability payments.
• Death Benefits: If your spouse dies, you may be eligible for a wide range of different benefits.
• Bankruptcy: Married couples can file jointly for bankruptcy which can be beneficial.
• Immigration and Citizenship: Spouses of legal aliens are automatically legal and are not subject to immigration quotas.
• Divorce: The legal system often provides mediation services and expedited hearings for married couples who are breaking up.
• Government Employment: Spouses of veterans can get preferential treatment in hiring for government jobs.
• Retirement Plans: Changing the benefits in a retirement plan often requires written consent from your spouse.
• Domestic Violence: There are state and federal laws relating to the special circumstance of domestic violence.
• Parenthood: If a married woman has a baby, her husband is assumed to be the father.
• Adoption: In some states, it may be necessary for a couple to be married to be able to adopt children. 

[I've only listed the topic headings; not all of the post.  Please read for yourself for more details.]

Of course, with any relationship, there can always be a break-up.  Divorce is messy enough between one-man-one-woman marriages:  Division of assets, custody and visitation for the children, child support, etc.  Courts have traditionally awarded custody to the mother for many years, birth parents take priority over adoptive or foster parents in many custody cases and then there's the discussion and medical web of surrogate parents and donors.  This entire process will feed the court systems for a great many years while no one truly wins (does anyone win in divorce now?).

So, now that the President of the United States, the government and the Supreme Court have upheld the "right for everyone to marry", they will be required to change 13 categories of the tax code in addition to a host of other legal and religious rulings.  Changing the definition from “one man and one woman” in any way will allow for marriage and civil unions of all modes to be recognized.  If marriage is no longer between one man and one woman, but between consenting persons, then what defines “consent”?  What determines "person"? You cannot define consent by age or race or gender or species; moreover you would need to open consent to any being that did not disagree with the union. 

Can the government expect to deny the right to marry to anyone who says they're in love?  Is love is any less real and strong between a 14 year old and a 50 year old than between two persons of close age?  Can it be upheld as law that if love between two is acceptable, then love between more must be as well?  Can it still be considered illegal for cousins or relatives to marry?

What about the states that have not yet allowed same-sex marriages?  Will they be forced to uphold the federal standards instead of their state laws?  At what point will the government override the beliefs of many churches and religions that have to this point been able to refuse to marry couples that do not share their beliefs?  The government has already been asked to rule about businesses who choose not to serve clients based on difference of beliefs; in Colorado, Washington and New Mexico, just to name a few.  

Changing the availability of marriage to be a "right" is dangerous ground to tread; and one not easily swallowed by many people.  20 years ago I would have never dreamed that people of the same sex would be allowed to be lawfully married and have the same standing as couples who married to follow their religious and moral beliefs about family, love and children.

If marriage is only about love and benefits and rights, then it demeans the beauty of the vows for every person; regardless of sexual orientation.

Liberty cannot be established without morality, nor morality without faith.
Alexis de Tocqueville 


Let us with caution indulge the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion. Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle.
George Washington 

As far as I can tell…

Microsoft expects me to keep my existing phone forever and never change to another brand within my lifetime…OR

They expect me to start out every new phone I have with a new email address and life (contacts, apps).

I say this because…

We purchased insurance on the phone we gave to son #2 (I gave him my old phone when I received my new Lumia 900).  Of course, Son #2 damaged the phone and the insurance came in handy.  We made him pay the $50 to replace the phone (gasp – fascist parent warning!) and they shipped the phone to us at home.

I made the decision to take the new phone – HTC 8x Windows phone; and give son the ‘old’ phone – Lumia 900.  So, to transfer my ‘stuff’ to the new phone should be easy-peasy, right?  Well apparently, not-so-much.

I start off by backing up my photos, etc. to my Zune.  That’s what the online guide said to do.  I then removed the SIM card from the Lumia and place it into the HTC.  Follow the instructions to set up the phone and BINGO.  Right?  Not.so.fast.

First I have to install the “Windows Phone App for Desktop” which keeps telling me my phone isn’t plugged in.

When I finally (four tries) get it installed, it won’t let me drag anything from my PC to my phone – only from my phone to my PC.  There’s nothing ON the phone.

THEN, I go to my Windows Live account to re-install my apps and…uh, oh…

Let me back up a bit.  A few weeks ago, Microsoft finished their “migration” of Hotmail to Outlook.  Apparently, I’m special because I was one of the few people who had to create new passwords and user names to access my Microsoft Live account. I now have two – one for my phone and email and one for my online Windows Live Account. 

The two accounts can be “linked” for email purposes, but they do not “link” for any other purpose under the sun that I can tell. There’s no way to switch between the two and copy or sync or upload or download or…oh brother!

So, my phone won’t let me use my frontier.com/Hotmail/Live account.  Which has all my “stuff” on it – but doesn’t recognize my new phone.  I have to use my new Outlook.com sign in to get my phone to continue setting up.  Okay, my phone works; my contacts are there, but no apps.

To FURTHER confuse the issue, my calendar has “disappeared” from my phone.  Oh, it’s there at the start screen, but my calendar is apparently linked with my frontier.com/Hotmail/Live account – which my phone won’t let me use to set up my phone.  I have NOTHING on the Outlook.com sign-in except contacts.

I thought I’d be smart and install my frontier.com email and disable the email sync function (I don’t use that email anymore).  This partially resolved the calendar issue, but not completely.

I tried to fix the problem myself by looking at helps online.  I watched two videos that had lousy sound quality and the screen didn’t match my phone.

I contacted the Microsoft Community help boards online.  The answer was for me to contact Xbox and get it fixed.  I’m not even sure how that can be.  Why would I contact Mattel if my Wii wasn’t working?

In desperation, I emailed my contact at Microsoft – the one who gave me the help with my original post regarding Microsoft / phone products.  He never answered.  Okay, it’s not his job to help me.  Or he’s busy.  Or he’s left the country.  Pick one.

So, in FINAL desperation, I bring a bottle of wine over to my friend Jen’s house.  She says “it’ll take about 15 minutes for me to fix this”.  Two bottles of wine and an hour-and-a-half later…she’s had to ‘crash’ my phone (start from scratch), delete the Lumia from my frontier.com/Hotmail/Live account and I have to come up with a new Outlook.com sign-in password.  Finally, I have my apps.  (There is a lot of the story I’m not writing here because it’s too confusing to put down on paper and I’m not even sure I understand how to explain it to anyone unless they could have looked at it.)

NOW my problem is that my calendars STILL don’t sync; I have no ringtones other than factory MS tones (migraine anyone?) and some of the apps I had on my Windows 7 phone no longer are available for Windows 8.  Like the off-market Starbucks card app that I LOVED.  Starbucks won’t write one for Windows.  I know, first world problems.

So I’ve spent a total of about 5 hours upgrading my phone.  It should be ‘easy’.  It shouldn’t require me to have a MCSE figure it out for me.  Overall, I’m not impressed, AGAIN with Microsoft Windows Phone product. 

ON a separate note, I think the HTC charger port is phony.  The charger cord doesn’t slide into the port easily, and it doesn’t charge completely overnight if not correctly plugged in. 

The next phone I purchase will either be a Lumia product OR i'll jump the Microsoft ship and switch to an iPhone.  If the Lumia has the same issues that I’ve had with the two previous Windows OS for phones; I’ll be an Apple customer and Microsoft will have lost this housewife to the evil Borg.

Just catching up

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  It’s not that I’ve had nothing to say; but I’ve had so much to say it’s difficult to get it down in between everything else.  And frankly, some of it just shouldn’t be put out in the blogosphere for anyone to read.

I had to make my blog a bit more restricted as I kept getting spam from “anonymous” about medications and lots of other junk.  So if you’re one of my readers who wants to comment and previously commented as “anonymous”, please use your real information or set up a Gmail account so you can comment on the blog. 

I’m amazed constantly at the ‘traffic’ the blog gets.  I’m sure it’s people like me who troll sites looking for someone with something important to say; so I hope you find what you’re looking for.  If not, and you’re a regular reader, I appreciate that you stop by and hope you stay.

Grandchild #3 has a peanut allergy, so that means we’re going to have to watch our peanut butter intake here in the house while he’s here.  Yes, we have an epi-pen; yes, I know how to use it.  Grandchild #2 is doing well after his feeding tube surgery (“G-tube”).  He’s funny and active and pretty much a boy all the way through.  Grandchild #1 – and my only grand-daughter so far – has been warned that this last birthday where she turned 9 years old, would be her last.  I can’t have her growing up on me now, can I?

I participated in my first 5K on Memorial Day Monday.  I only ran a small bit – due to the last of a head cold – but I finished just over 46 minutes and 206^th out of 260 participants.  Not bad for my first 5K and almost 50 years old.  I’ve signed up for another one in August and I hope to run more this time. 

Therapy is interesting; I’ve had it before and although I like talking to someone with an objective opinion, it’s also a bit strange because I can’t change anyone else; I’ve got to change how I deal with the situation.  And, even though I have a script – what I’m supposed to say or do – the other people DON’T have that script.  Since I can’t drag my therapist around with me all the time (that would be expensive and she’d probably need therapy); I have to punt.  And that never goes well.

One of the things I’ve discussed with my therapist is that my mother was never interested much in her grandchildren.  It’s always bothered me, but I try not to let it be a big deal.  Know what we figured out?  My mother – who was jealous of my husband and would have been jealous of any man I married – was JEALOUS of my kids.  JEALOUS of children!  Because they meant I no longer belonged solely to her.  Go figure.

I really, truly, honestly do not get Downton Abbey and the fandom thing.  Sorry, I’ve watched most of season three (because it just had to get better, right?) and I’m just not into it.  And, I’ve never watched Game of Thrones, Walking Dead or Arrested Development. 

I’ve started lots of posts but haven’t finished them.  Maybe I’ll post them and maybe I won’t.  Some of them just aren’t worth a read, but I had to get them out of my head.

It’s Day Camp season and I’m the registrar for our district.  I’m amazed how many people don’t complete health forms or complete them incorrectly.  I wonder if they are as careless in completing job applications or paperwork for school, or if they just really don’t realize how impossible it is to read their handwriting.  I could go on and on about incomplete forms, messy handwriting and what people name their children, but we’ll just leave that to your imagination.

I was at the grocery store the other day to pick up two items I forgot for dinner (potatoes and bread).  The total came to $6.68; I handed the cashier $7.00 (a 5-dollar bill and two 1’s).  She incorrectly entered in that I’d paid $6.00 so she asked for another 68 cents; I reminded her that I’d overpaid.  As she’d put in the wrong payment amount, she had no idea how much change to give me in return.  Her first excuse, was that she was tired as she’d worked all day.  I patiently told her to count back from $0.68 and guided her towards the pennies.  She then apologized because she’s “an art student – math isn’t my strong point” and couldn’t figure out whether to give me another 40 or 50 cents.  “Art Student” or not, she should know how to make change so she doesn’t get ripped off at the store for her art supplies.  Of course, she probably has a credit card and won’t need to worry about stupid things like cash.

That’s about all that’s going on right now.  Well, not really.  I have a 19 year old who works part time, and plays video games the rest of the time; a 14 year old who believes the only reason parents exist is to pay for his desires and a husband who doesn’t understand me after 24 years of marriage.  I don’t understand me either; so I guess he’s not alone.

How are you?

I’m one of those people who usually answers with a “Fine” or “okay”.  Because the reality is usually I’m neither but I don’t think the person asking wants to REALLY KNOW HOW I AM at that specific moment.  Not because they’re a horrible person, but because they’re being polite and they really have their own problems to deal with.

How Am I?

I’m stressed because I’m the mother of a teenage son who struggles in school because he won’t turn in homework and lies about it constantly so he won’t get in trouble.  This son is handsome and tall and smart and thinks that smiling, pouring on the charm and telling me that he loves me will cure all ills. 

I’m frustrated because my almost-no-longer-a-teenager-yet-not-quite-chronologically-adult son who has a part-time job spends the rest of his time playing online games and ignoring his household responsibilities.  He’s hysterically funny and quick-witted and handsome but thinks that mumbling and avoiding what he’s been asked to do will make it all go away.

I’m guilty because I’m the wife of a hard working man who puts in 12 hour days (including commute) and volunteers for many other activities yet can’t seem to find the time to get my short-term jobs around the house done even though I nag him.  He’s handsome and funny and the man I fell in love with yet believes that I really don’t love him because I just can’t seem to want to rip his clothes off and have romance novel sex at the drop of a hat.

I’m sad because I’m the financial advisor, banker and accountant for a family that struggles like most with too many things to spend money on and not quite enough money to spend on it all.  There is always one more bill to pay, one more payment to juggle and one more check that I forgot I’d written and didn’t put down in the log.

I’m anxious because I’m the entertainment committee and need to be willing at a moment’s notice to go on a date, drive for ice cream, walk the dog, drive to the mall or manage the finances for vacation or camps or movies or dinners out.

I’m tired because I’m the gardener who has to figure out how to control the weeds and the moss, recognize when the lawns need to be mowed or watered (because it’s not obvious to the world that the grass needs a hair cut).  Plants need to be purchased and planted and watered and pruned and maintained and there’s no one else who remembers to do all this or has time to research what needs to be done.

I’m scatter-brained because I’m the chauffeur for the masses of children who I care for and whom I am responsible for getting to school and appointments and sports and events and play dates. 

I’m torn because I’m the receptionist who has to decide whether to let the machine answer the phone or get hung up on by the phone-robot who wants to sell me any number of things I don’t need, can’t afford or intend to purchase; or for the credit card that I no longer have or to locate the husband’s ex-wife whom he hasn’t been married to in over 20 years.

I’m exasperated because I’m the shopper, menu developer and chef for exacting “customers” who will only eat certain chicken nuggets (not home-made), chicken (not beef) Ramen noodles, and raw but not cooked carrots; spaghetti sauce with no chunks, no Alfredo sauce ever, or lasagna, thank you.  Steak and salmon and shrimp are fantastic; hot dogs are better than bratwurst and there should be no pulp in my orange juice.  Bacon, not sausage and no sourdough pancakes (although I’ll admit my husband is the breakfast chef and he is the recipient of the breakfast complaints unless I make breakfast for dinner).

I am disheartened because I am the occasion remember-er, the gift buyer and the card shopper; as well as the calendar keeper, gift wrapper and card signer and yet no one knows what to get me.

I am worn-out because I am the list maker and decider of when and how things get done. 

I am drained to be the one who takes the phone calls and emails from school, the doctor’s office and the coaches.

I am fed-up because I am the one who checks the online grade reports, sorts the mail, answers the emails and cleans out the lint trap in the dryer.

I am agitated to be the one who asks and asks and asks (and then, yes, finally SHOUTS) for things to be done, finished, completed, STARTED, cleaned-up, picked-up, wiped-up or put away.

I resentful because I am the one who feeds the dragon and the dog most of the time; and remembers (or notices again) when we’re almost out of food for the 10^th time.

I concerned because I can sing most of the PBS pre-school show-tunes at a moment’s notice but can’t remember the words to an entire top-40 song anymore.  I can tell you all of the Sesame Street characters, but can’t remember the names of all four Musketeers without looking it up (they’re Aramis, Porthos, Athos and d’Artagnan by the way).

I am irritated because I am the bad cop, the worry-wart, the complainer, the nagger, the one who’s never happy, the negative Nelly and the wet blanket.

I am nervous as a struggling business woman who is in charge of marketing, sales, delivery, production, finance and human resources for my company.

I am mystified to be the detective in charge of finding the lost bike lock, glasses, phone numbers, the origin of “that odor” and what the source of the science experiment in the refrigerator is.  I’m also supposed to remember what size shoes, pants, shirts and underwear all the men in my family wear.

I’m puzzled that I’m supposed to remember what my son’s favorite color is currently (because it changes) but conveniently forget that he said “I wuj you momma” or that he knew the name of every construction vehicle by the time he was three.

I’m bewildered because I’m not supposed to kiss them goodnight or say “I love you” publicly, but I’m expected to have ace bandages, Neosporin and advice ready at all times when they get hurt physically or emotionally.

I’m preoccupied with remembering different passwords for a gazillion different websites (that we’ve used once and only five email clients ago), as well as the name of my husband’s co-workers, wives, children and all the years and companies he’s worked for.

I’m the aggressive destroyer of dust-rhinos, the chaser of flies and spiders and wandering bees, the scraper of unknown substances, the cleaner of chairs and couches; the wiper of constantly running noses and changer of diapers. 

I’m the reluctant hoarder of photographs, videos, baby teeth and scrap book items.  I’m the collector of family history and memorabilia.  I’m the keeper of birth certificates and passports, insurance documents and tax records.

I’m so many other things that sometimes I can’t remember where I’m going or what I’m doing when I get in the car and drive somewhere.

Thanks for asking, I’m fine, thanks.  How are you?

What do you DO ALL DAY???

Recently the youngest of my children has been comparing his “chore list” to the amount of things he thinks I do every day.  “Why do I have to do that?”  “Why do you get all that (computer/TV/free) time and I only get a little?”   {By the way, this is the REAL point of everything he complains about – I have all this time to do “whatever I want” while he constantly is required to slave away with no time to himself at all…}

My standard response is to defend myself.  And, as I suspect many of my mom friends do, I feel guilty about how “little” I actually do to “earn my free time”.  You know what I mean.  Your kids see you constantly in front of the computer or sitting on the couch reading or watching TV.  It’s like you do nothing else all day; and when we review the day in our heads, all we blame ourselves for is how “little we got done that day”.

So, I want you all to spend a bit of time with me and think about how much we actually do for our families that are really over-looked and give ourselves credit for how much we actually do for other people. 

Is there milk in the fridge?  Orange juice, yogurt, eggs, cheese sticks and all the other snacks that seem to disappear at warp speed? 

Who makes the shopping list every week and remembers to replace the chocolate sauce that you know you’re out of, but didn’t use the last of without putting on the list?

Is it you that remembers to take the clothing to the dry cleaners and pick it up?

Balancing the check book, paying the bills, budgeting, depositing or withdrawing money.    All those things magically happen on their own, right?

The laundry is apparently capable of washing, drying and folding itself if I were to believe my children.  Think about this – with a mind of its own, the dirty clothes (who can tell if they’re dirty or clean) fly themselves to the laundry room, sorted by color and fabric (of course).  They are then capable of opening the washing machine lid, stuffing themselves inside while pouring the appropriate amounts of detergent, stain remover and fabric softener in the dispensers.  After starting the cycle by twisting the knobs or pushing the correct buttons for fabric and length, they swim around in their warm, soapy bath and then are spun damp.  At this point they magically move themselves to the dryer and clean out the lint trap (don’t forget to throw the lint away!).  At the end of their busy journey, they fold themselves and return to their drawers, neatly stacked.  Yeah, right.

Meal planning, grocery shopping, putting it all away; not to mention loading the kids in and out of the car and keeping them occupied while you do it all.  Don’t forget the constant chorus of “mom, I forgot I NEED…” at least once a week which requires a separate trip – usually after you just got home – to some store that closed an hour ago (and is the only store that has it in stock, but your child has known about the need for over a week).

What about updating the calendar with doctor and dentist appointments, keeping track of immunizations, allergies and medications and pulling the kids out of school while juggling your work schedule, the sports schedule and how much gas you have in your tank at the same time.   And I’m sure you’re one of those people who have juice boxes and snacks in the car (or drive through the fast food place) because, unfortunately they HAVE to eat.  Again.

And don’t forget the gifts, cards and parties that never seem to end.  Or the cupcakes/brownies/snacks for the baseball team or ballet class while remembering who has a peanut allergy or doesn’t like chocolate.

Reading lists?  Homework?  Checking the grades online?  Emailing the teachers or responding to what-seems-like a thousand emails a day?  Returning phone calls and checking the answering machine/voicemail? 

How about fundraisers, booster clubs, concert or performance events?  Keeping the uniforms washed (or at least remembering where they dropped on the floor) while helping your shy child sell more cookies or popcorn by using email or some social network to post their current fund-raising need.  And then following up by helping said child deliver the product and collecting the money.

Sorting through the piles of junk that come into our lives every day:  field trip forms, reading lists, homework sheets, junk mail, flyers, coupons, newspapers, event reminders, bills, newsletters, leftover pieces of paper that would give hoarders a run for their money if they weren’t taken care of at semi-regular intervals.

And what about that constantly updating “to-do” list in your head?  Wash the windows, repair the hole, dust the furniture, call a friend, buy more socks, charge the batteries, call the tree guy… 

Add all these things to your work, schooling, eating, sleeping and relationship time and you’ve done nothing all day long; or so it seems. 

The next time you feel like you haven’t done ANYTHING all day long – or someone accuses you of the same; remember all the “little” things you do every day, every week that make others’ lives easier and more manageable.

And give yourself a break while you read your book, take a bath, play on Facebook or chat with a friend.  You deserve it.

I haven’t written much about this subject because it’s bound to upset someone and, knowing that I’ll hurt someone’s feelings or make them mad, I’ve tried to avoid the issue in general discussion.

Let’s talk about Boy Scouts of America and homosexuality.

I’d like to start off by saying that I don’t hate homosexuals, nor do I wish them any harm.  I don’t know how God will decide if they go to heaven or not and I don’t have the answers regarding why some people are “born that way” or not.  I also don’t understand bacon-maple-bars or why anyone would jump out of (perfectly good) airplanes, but that doesn’t make maple bars or sky-divers wrong or evil.  I don’t think AIDS/HIV is God’s punishment for homosexuality (but it is a consequence just like pregnancy is a consequence of sex).  I don’t find homosexuals creepy or scary or evil.

But, I don’t agree with them either.  Marriage isn’t a right for anyone.  Sex was designed for the creation of children.  Yes, we as a species enjoy the act of sex – to my knowledge we were designed to do so.  But sex is not just about pleasure and love; it’s about making babies.  Biologically, physically, emotionally, it’s hard for me to rationalize that our bodies that were made to fit like two puzzle pieces – man and woman – should be used in a way that doesn’t fit.  It’s like two negative sides of a magnet.  They push away; they don’t attract like a negative and a positive.

However, I don’t get to decide who anyone else is attracted to or even who they marry or have sex with.  And, I can’t honestly say I understand why God would “allow” same sex attraction when he specifically forbids it in both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible.  I know that adultery and substance abuse are spoken against in the Bible as well as other things that God considers sin.  I also know that God gives us, his creations, free will so that we can choose to obey his laws or go against them. 

Sermon over; opinion starting.

Boy Scouts of America is a PRIVATE organization and not open to everyone.  It’s not open to girls (although allows female leaders); it’s not open to children under the age of 6 and over 21.  And, as the organization lays out its membership “rules” in every book and manual, it’s not a surprise that they expect there to be a moral code.

I won’t argue what morality is or if people choosing to live against God’s laws can be moral or not.  We’re all sinners and there are really no levels of sin (although there are some sins listed as abhorrent).  It’s not like alcoholics will have a different level of salvation than murders or rich people than poor.  Our salvation is based on choice and our willingness to live according to God’s laws is how I believe God judges our eternal reward.

 

BSA specifically states that they have a moral code and that members must have some sense of religion or spirituality.  Scouts at every rank level are asked to review their family’s religious beliefs.  BSA is available in many countries and open to many religions including Muslim, Catholic, Buddhist, Jewish, Orthodox and Protestant.  (Wikipedia)

Robert Baden Powell felt strongly about religion – specifically Christianity – in the program saying “We aim for the practice of Christianity in their everyday life and dealings, and not merely the profession of theology on Sundays…” (Scouting for Boys, Baden-Powell, Oxford University Press). 

Christianity has several references to same-sex relationships, marriage and homosexuality in the Bible; Islam has writings in the Koran, and many other religions speak against same-sex attraction – even if they do not forbid it.

BSA is NOT a religious organization; however it is a private organization and privately funded through donations and membership dues.  It has a nationally recognized non-profit status and until recently, its membership requirements have not been questioned. 

By asking the BSA to change its membership requirements to fit the current society is not only wrong but selfish.  There are many organizations available to youth that have many of the benefits of the scouting program.  Watering down any organization to make it a one-size fits all program lessens the effectiveness of the program as a whole.

The purpose of the BSA program is to turn boys into men.  It’s not to tell them whom to love or marry or even which religion to choose. It’s not about getting straight A’s or being a mechanic or a missionary.  The program helps boys learn to be leaders and give them a comfort level with many activities and experiences they might not otherwise be able to participate in.  Learning to play marbles or shoot BB guns or use a knife safely; planning a healthy meal and perform first aid and show community and civic pride. 

None of these programs specifically tell anyone they can’t love who they want; but when it comes to the part about staying morally straight and being reverent it’s difficult for me to imagine how anyone who isn’t living according to some scriptural principle could consider themselves reverent or moral by directly disobeying specifically mentioned restrictions in a holy book; regardless of which holy book it is.

I have friends who feel very strongly that this is a discrimination issue; much like racism or slavery.  If everyone had to join the BSA in order to get into school or college or get a job, I might feel the same.  No one is forcing someone to be a scout or to live in a moral fashion.  No one is deeming which religion is right and wrong.  You’re not forbidden from drinking from a specific fountain or attending school if you’re not a scout.

In fact, unless you’re wearing your uniform or a BSA insignia, no one would know you were a scout unless you told them. You’re not required to wear a star on your coat or a caste mark on your forehead to signify your membership.  No one denies you from entering college or applying for a scholarship based on your BSA membership status.

Joining a private organization is a choice.  If you don’t like the rules, don’t join.  If you don’t want a milkshake, don’t get one.  Don’t like cars?  Ride a bike.  Hate credit cards?  Pay cash.  Don’t require everyone to follow your choices.  No one is making anyone be a Cub or a Boy Scout.  You can choose not to wear the shirt and say the oath and follow the motto.  But if you choose to join the ranks, then you’d better agree with the viewpoints of the organization instead of changing them to fit your needs.

My recommendation is that if you don’t like the game; walk away and start your own game somewhere else.  Develop your own program that includes the rules and values that you support.  Order your coffee without whip cream or with organic, free-trade beans.  But don’t make everyone else follow your values just because you feel left out or guilty or convicted.

Gifts

I used to be good at giving gifts.  I loved to think of things that people would enjoy and take pleasure in the process of planning, buying and wrapping the gifts.  I took joy in finding things that gave others pleasure.  I used to be really good at it.

Now, buying and planning for gifts are just one more thing to do; one more item to check off a list; another problem to be stressed over and solved; something else to take up my time; a possibly futile endeavor that will drain my already waning energy and motivation and time.

In other words, I suck at it now.  Shopping at holidays and birthdays and celebrations is exhausting and depressing.  Finding that perfect card (or even one that’s kind of appropriate) is torturous.  I used to be able to stand in the card section of the store and LAUGH – usually out-loud – for a long time. 

But NOT giving gifts or cards fills me with guilt.  I should give a gift, I think.  I was never raised with gift-giving being an obligation; giving a gift was a treasure and a gift in and of itself.  Not anymore.

I stand in front of the card aisle and glance over the cards.  No, that one is too dumb, that one too mushy, that one too vague.  And then, I find one that’s great, except it sounds like I should feel, not like I really do actually feel.  And then I’m guilty for being phony.  Cards no longer make me laugh; they make me cringe or roll my eyes or shudder – and no, not just the Justin Beiber cards.

Gifts?  What I’d like to give are too expensive or too large or just too…too.  What if they don’t like it (that thought never used to cross my mind)?  What if they have to return it?  What if they’re allergic or they think it’s ugly?  What if????

And I’ve developed this guilt in receiving gifts too.  I call it baggage from my mother, although that’s not entirely fair as she’s been dead for several years, and following my own advice, I should be able to GET OVER IT!  I spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to decipher why anyone would give me a gift.  What do they expect in return?  Am I now required to give them gifts too?  What if I have to someday get rid of the gift?  Or it breaks?  Or…

Sigh…

Random thought:  How did we begin using the words “used to” to signify past tense of once was?  I mean, “used” means no longer new…however, upon more research it’s actually a form of speech that is correct.