Gifts

I used to be good at giving gifts.  I loved to think of things that people would enjoy and take pleasure in the process of planning, buying and wrapping the gifts.  I took joy in finding things that gave others pleasure.  I used to be really good at it.

Now, buying and planning for gifts are just one more thing to do; one more item to check off a list; another problem to be stressed over and solved; something else to take up my time; a possibly futile endeavor that will drain my already waning energy and motivation and time.

In other words, I suck at it now.  Shopping at holidays and birthdays and celebrations is exhausting and depressing.  Finding that perfect card (or even one that’s kind of appropriate) is torturous.  I used to be able to stand in the card section of the store and LAUGH – usually out-loud – for a long time. 

But NOT giving gifts or cards fills me with guilt.  I should give a gift, I think.  I was never raised with gift-giving being an obligation; giving a gift was a treasure and a gift in and of itself.  Not anymore.

I stand in front of the card aisle and glance over the cards.  No, that one is too dumb, that one too mushy, that one too vague.  And then, I find one that’s great, except it sounds like I should feel, not like I really do actually feel.  And then I’m guilty for being phony.  Cards no longer make me laugh; they make me cringe or roll my eyes or shudder – and no, not just the Justin Beiber cards.

Gifts?  What I’d like to give are too expensive or too large or just too…too.  What if they don’t like it (that thought never used to cross my mind)?  What if they have to return it?  What if they’re allergic or they think it’s ugly?  What if????

And I’ve developed this guilt in receiving gifts too.  I call it baggage from my mother, although that’s not entirely fair as she’s been dead for several years, and following my own advice, I should be able to GET OVER IT!  I spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to decipher why anyone would give me a gift.  What do they expect in return?  Am I now required to give them gifts too?  What if I have to someday get rid of the gift?  Or it breaks?  Or…

Sigh…

Random thought:  How did we begin using the words “used to” to signify past tense of once was?  I mean, “used” means no longer new…however, upon more research it’s actually a form of speech that is correct.