Unexpected

I knew it was coming but it was still unexpected.  From the time we connected and realized that we had a bond, I knew the day would come.  But I still didn’t see it coming.  You didn’t say goodbye.  

Whether you read this or not, I have to get it out of my head and into print.  You changed me.  There are songs and words and phrases and moments that I will probably never, ever experience again without thinking of you.  There are things about me that will never be the same because I filter them through how you’d see it, what I learned from our time together.

I am different, yet the same because you made me different; see things through different eyes, speak with different words, and think with different thoughts.

If you’re lurking around my blog (like I’ve lurked around yours for a bit – hoping) wondering if I’ll say anything; strike out, hurl insults or lay blame; I want you to know that there is really nothing I would have changed about our very short time together.  We were honest, deep, true, intense, funny, caustic, angry, scared, and packed an entire lifetime of friendship into a microscopic span of time.

You made me cry and laugh and sigh and snort and wonder – You still do.  

It wasn’t perfect; nothing human is.  I still think that we were introduced through mutual friends, but destined by God to be friends.  That hasn’t changed in my mind either.

The break is still fresh, so there has yet to be a day when I don’t think of you or hear your voice in my head or wonder what you’d say, think, do, respond.  Maybe that will change; maybe it won’t.

If I’d had the chance to say goodbye, I’d tell you (in addition to all the words above) that I pray for you every day.  I pray that you’re safe and that the people you surround yourself with are honest and true and protective of you; because you deserve that.

There are lots of things you likely won’t miss about our friendship; but what I’ll miss is all the things that have and will happen that I won’t be able to share with you.  When one of us would be away for a few days; there was always an email waiting with a list of articles, thoughts or things to think or talk about upon return.

My list of things is just beginning, but it includes:

• I check my cell phone to see if there are text messages or missed calls from you.  SEVERAL times a day.
• I discovered that memoirs and autobiographies aren’t all that bad. 
•  I watched a Steve Carrell movie that I actually enjoyed.  And I’ll probably watch it again – maybe even buy it.  I would have watched it with you.
•  I think about you every time I hear a Sugarland song; or The Band Perry; or Rob Thomas/Matchbox 20. 
• News articles that I think you would have found interesting just aren’t the same without you there to comment with me. 
• Your birthday isn’t too far away.  I’ll think of you on that day and probably sing you Happy Birthday.  You won’t hear it and I won’t call because I couldn’t bear you hanging up on me.
• If in the course of time you read something that makes you think of me; you can be pretty sure it made me think of you, too.
• I don’t know how to delete our blog.  What do I do with all the half-written blogs we were going to write together?  Is it theft or plagiarism if I finish them myself and post them on my blog?
• Am I supposed to just stop worrying about you? 
• I want to post a new song I found but I realize that you would be the only one that would get it.
• You were the only one that understood some of the things in my mind and didn’t hate me for those thoughts. 

I kept my promises to you.  I was honest, and never abandoned you.  I’m still here and I hope that you never forget that.