Frisbee Guru's

Today’s rant is about fixing things that aren’t broken.  Case 1:  Netflix.  Case 2:  Facebook.

I used to work for a Video Store (Hollywood Video – now in Bankruptcy) and got free movies as one of my employee perks.  After I stopped working there, I still wanted to see movies, but didn’t want to pay the extortionist prices at a theater (that’s another rant altogether) – back then I think they were $6 a movie.  Rentals were a great deal, $3 or $4 for five days and you didn’t have to buy them to watch them.  And entire family could watch a couple of movies with snacks for much less that it would cost for a babysitter, movie snacks and theater tickets.  

I’ve been a Netflix subscriber for years; I’m not sure exactly how long but I’d guess at least 8 years.  I thought the concept was fantastic; pay a certain amount a month, have a list of movies to watch, and return when you’re ready with no late fees.  (Late fees for the rental industry are like bank charges for the financial industry – it’s their cash cow).  We started our subscription with 1 movie at a time for about $15 a month.  After a couple of years, I increased it to 3 movies at a time and I think the price was roughly $30 a month for that.  We probably watched about 10 movies a month this way; some months more, some months left.  It was a win-win situation for us.

Enter some marketing guru who thinks that video streaming (ala YouTube, Hulu, etc.) is the new future.  Guru convinces Netflix that although people like DVD’s, they’d prefer to watch movies whenever, wherever without those pesky disks to insert, mail back, etc.  And the Streaming portion of Netflix was born.  That’s great, but not all the movies that everyone wanted were available to stream, so people still needed those pesky silver Frisbees.  

Somewhere along the line the Circle of Life does it’s magic and the huge conglomerate Video Rental stores that put the Mom & Pop video stores out of business are NOW going out of business due to online video companies (Netflix, Redbox, et al).  It should be a lesson for large companies everywhere that what comes around goes around (Borders anyone?).

Anyway, back to Gurus, future and Frisbees.  So Netflix and Redbox are the almost the only games in town that still rent those Frisbees.  The downside (to me) to Redbox is that I have to return them within 24 hours or I get charged a late fee; and not every box has every movie I might want to watch.  The economy is in the tank and people are pulling in their pennies.  Movie theaters are now charging $9 to $11 dollars PER PERSON for a movie (not to mention the bank loan for the Milk Duds), so it’s a month’s paycheck for the entertainment budget. 

Our family decides that we will move our subscription down to one movie at home and unlimited streaming.  This will cost us about $11 a month (including taxes, etc.)  About three months later the Netflix Guru decides that DVD’s are on the way out and that people should have to pay separate fees to remain in the dark ages of Frisbees and remote controls: $8 a month for the Frisbee (one per time) and $8 a month for unlimited streaming; roughly $15.99 a month for both. 

This, of course sparks riots and hate mail and people dropping their Netflix subscriptions like they’re diseased.  Because, you know, $16 a month is a horrible price to pay for choices.  (Insert eye-roll here).

We rarely if ever use the streaming function; mostly because it seems whatever movie our family wants to watch is only available on DVD, (oddly enough we wanted to watch Independence Day ON Independence Day and it was only available on DVD) or we watch first runs on our cable cinema pay-per-view.  We decided we’d stick with the one movie option for about $10 a month.  Our viewing has changed and we may watch three movies a month; not bad for $10.

But the Marketing Guru isn’t finished and decides that not only are people archaic for still desiring those silly silver platters (instead of watching 2 hour movies on our phones…), but we should have to be confused and pay separate fees for the choices of archaic vs. future.  Enter “Qwixter”.  Blah.

Two fees, three choices, millions of customers and one Marketing Guru who is likely by this time holding a cardboard sign and a tin cup on a street corner somewhere. 

And then there’s Facebook…I’m sure it’s not necessary for me to vent my frustrations about their constant changes.  I’m not on Twitter or My Space; I don’t *get* Linked In, etc (likely because I don’t work outside the home).  I understand it’s a FREE service.  I can choose not to Facebook (as in verb, action).  

Change is never easy, but sometimes it’s just stupid.  Fixing something that wasn’t broken to begin with, had popular public opinion and wasn’t losing money isn’t just stupid, it can be financially disastrous.  

The Circle of Life is about to spin yet again.  Cue the crickets.

Education Repaired (An allegory…sort of…)

While walking on the beach during my vacation, a lamp washed ashore.  I picked it up, took it home to clean it and find its value.  During the cleaning, a magical genie appeared and granted me the traditional three wishes.  

My first wish was for the educational system in America to be “fixed”.  After a bit of hemming and hawing, the genie said “Well, I can do that but it will take all your wishes.  Just to clarify, you will get only one wish.”

I agreed and the genie crossed his arms, blinked and then disappeared along with my polished beach lamp.

I assumed I’d been duped, but the next day at school with my son, I discovered what my wish for educational reform had produced:  

Language – all students must speak the national language of English to attend educational facilities of any kind (public or private).  Incoming students will be tested on their English knowledge (appropriate for their age) and placed in the appropriate grade level for their skills.  Students that do not meet their grade level for English speaking will be transferred to a “Naturalization” school until they meet the criteria (valid for non- or partial-English speaking students only.  English speaking students will be held at grade level until proficiency is reached).

The Naturalization school will host all students that do not meet English Language requirements for their grade level.  Classes will be taught using teachers fluent in both the students “home” language and English.  Classes may have students of varying ages due to learning abilities and levels.  When students attending the Naturalization School reach the proficiency level for their grade, they may opt to be transferred to the “Traditional” School, if desired.

Curriculum – Curriculum will involve core subjects such as Math, Phonics/Reading/Spelling, History and Geography.  A student may be enrolled in varying levels of subjects, depending on their abilities and meeting criteria (for instance a 4^th grade student may have 2^nd grade math classes, 6^th grade reading classes, etc.).   Students must test out of grade levels based on proficiency, not age or grade requirements.  To graduate from school completely, students must pass all proficiency tests and a final comprehensive exam.

Electives – Students will have Required and Voluntary Electives.  Required Electives will be Science, Music and Arts.  Voluntary electives will be Athletics, Alternative Languages, Technical Specialties and Life Skills.  Voluntary Electives will be held after regular school hours; students must carry “B” or 80% in all Core Subjects and Required Electives to continue participation in Voluntary Electives.

Dress Code – Students will wear clothing appropriate for learning.  T-shirts, tank tops, shorts or other clothing that would be considered inappropriate business attire will not be allowed at school.  Male students will wear polo-type or dress shirts and Khaki pants; female students will wear collared shirts with skirts that cover their knees or Khaki pants.   

Funding – Parents will be issued a voucher in March of each year to be used towards their student tuition.  Parents may use the vouchers towards the private or public school of their choice, regardless of location (must be in county of residence).   Parents may withdraw their student from school at any point in the school year with one month’s notice; funds will be transferred to new school upon student arrival.  Cost per student per school will remain the same across the board; however will be adjusted for inflation and tax income fluctuations.  All class supplies will be provided by parents or through donations.

Transportation – parents are responsible for all transportation to and from school premises and for all school activities.  

Attendance – Students must attend school a minimum of 200 days in a school year and pass proficiency level tests for each class and abilities.  Students that cannot pass proficiency level tests will be required to repeat levels until proficiency is earned.  

Employment (Older Students Only) – Students who desire to work will be required to carry “B” or 80% in all Core Subjects and Required Electives to continue participation in employment. 

Well I suppose I should have been a bit more specific in my request to the Genie, but it’s a good start…

Gluten Free Pasta Recipe

1 cup tapioca flour*
1 cup brown rice flour*
1 1/2 tsp xanthan gum*
2 eggs
Olive Oil as needed

(*)  I found these at Whole Foods, but most organic or high-end grocery stores should carry these.

Mix ingredients by hand by forming flours (mixed with xanthan gum) into mound on counter.  Hollow out center of mound to make a "well".  Place eggs into the well and mix with salt to taste.  Add olive oil until the dough is smooth and can be easily worked into a ball that is not tacky.

If using a mixer (like a Kitchen Aide) add flours, xanthan gum and eggs.  Beat using a dough hook.  Add salt to taste.  I add olive oil until the dough is smooth. Place flour (I used the tapioca as it has a finer consistency) on rolling board or mat and turn the dough onto the flour.  Roll the dough into a broad, thin sheet.

If making ravioli, roll through a pasta press until paper thin (you should see your hand through the dough).  If hand-making ravioli, place one sheet (about 4 inches x 12 inches) of ravioli dough on rolling board.  Brush sheet with egg wash (on egg, beaten), making sure you get the outside edges too.  Place filling equally on sheet (should make about 12 ravioli).  Cover with another sheet of dough on top of filling.  Press seams with fingers (internal seams too).  Cut seams with sharp knife to make little ravioli pockets.  With a fork, press each side of all seams together (gives it a fluted edge and makes sure the ravioli won't leak when cooking).

If using a ravioli press, I don't use the egg wash.

Place ravioli on cookie sheet or jelly roll pan covered in flour or corn meal (I prefer flour).  Dry for 20 minutes and then cook or freeze.  If freezing, I put the jelly roll pan directly in my freezer for an hour and then take the ravioli off and place them in a zip-loc bag and put in my freezer.  Should be good for 6 months if frozen properly.

Boil in salted water for 4 to 7 minutes or until they float to the top.  (The thicker your dough is, the longer they'll need to cook).

Makes approximately 48 ravioli, filled.

Things to Do

Things to do:

Pick up Dog poo by gate

Mow front lawn

Fertilize both lawns

Weed side yard (behind Kobe’s cage/by Milan’s fence)

Weed driveway

Weed area by gate

Weed front bed (by bedroom window)

Clean room

Laundry

Clean litter boxes

Wash Stang’s Kennel bedding, vacuum carpeted area, “Odoban” the carpet thoroughly.

So the oldest son (Child #3) looks at the list (which I’ve taped to the mirror in the entry) and says:  "Mom, this list doesn't say who's supposed to do what." 

I say "You mean, you can't figure it out by yourself?" 

He replies "Nope. I guess we won't do anything then." 

I respond "Guess you'll both be in trouble." 

(Him) "Hmm."

So this leaves me feeling a myriad of emotions; ranging from ‘What a horrible mother I am’ to ‘I hope they figure this stuff out soon’.  I mean, #3 is chronologically an adult.  Not voting age or drinking age, but an adult by age nonetheless.  And #4 is well, on the beginning of the journey of teen-dom which crashes crazily from the peaks of “Yes I can do it” to the depths of “But I’m too young!” and every extreme in between the two.

I am still struggling with the most efficient way to communicate with these two beings that came from my body.  They are as different as they are the same and as frustrating as they are endearing.  A simple request like “load (or empty) the dishwasher” is an exercise in repetition and persistence.  On MY part.  For them, it’s an assignment in ignoring the obvious, avoiding responsibility and escalating the blood pressure of adults in their environment.  They win, every time.

I’ve attempted to make detailed lists; outlining tasks by child, by day, by time.  Nothing.  I’ve tried single word requests, followed by charges immediately trailed by commands for one.simple.thing.to.be.completed.  Zip. 

Bribes Financial Motivation?  Tried that.  Taking money away for jobs not completed?  Yup, that too.  Restriction and loss of material goods?  Been there, still doing that.  The truth is that I am emotionally exhausted in micromanaging them but the alternative is not managing them at all and either doing their jobs or living in squalor; neither which fit into my master plan of peaceful living.

They are responsible for their own laundry; the trade-off is that they either have no clean clothing, wear wrinkled or dirty things out of the house (thereby embarrassing their obviously to blame maternal unit) or complain that they have nothing to wear.  Of course, sometimes they start laundry; leave a load in the washer and another 6 loads on the floor of the laundry room.  For weeks.  Ad infinitum.  After a few weeks, it’s nearly impossible to get to our (adult) laundry without taking out a life insurance policy or hiring a body guard.  I’m pretty sure that the mound of laundry could be replicating and magnifying; but it could just be my paranoia.

Chores are shared; #3 is responsible for Garbage and partial dishes (every other day unload; opposing days load); #4 is responsible for Recycling and the other half  of the dishes.  #3 feed the cats and cleans the litter box; #3 feeds the dog and cleans up after him; also feeds the dragon.  They are each responsible for keeping their own rooms clean and beds changed, putting away food and wiping table and countertops when asked.  #3 also is asked to mow and edge the lawns; #4 is supposed to help keep the outside toys picked up.  It’s really not much to ask of two able-bodied boys.  One would think however, that they were being asked to build the Taj Mahal with their own widdo-biddy hands.

#4’s room hasn’t been truly clean since the last time fatherly-parental unit cleaned it 6 months ago.  There have been moments where the floor has been visible or all laundry has been washed and dried (but not folded or put away); minutes where clothing has actually been hung on hangers in the closet; actual days where the door could open and close without requiring a haz-mat unit.  I have threatened, removed, and bribed materially motivated said child.  Nothing.

What’s even funnier to me (as in strange, unexplainable) is that #3 is in a mood because parental units (namely father at the pleading of mother) turned off his internet connection.  No internet connection?  No problem!  Apparently he just intended to play games that did not require one.  This lead to a shining moment in parental frustration where fatherly unit unplugs the offending electronic device while it is running (this causes a shift in the equilibrium of the technological world as everyone knows it is possible to completely shut down the world as we know it by unplugging a computer while it is running and therefore damaging the oh-so-stable operating system).

Evidently, no internet and no plugged in computer-type unit means that the teenage unit (#3) feels led to turn on the device from hell known as the “Wii”.  Clearly removing the remote controls from the television did not clearly signify my intent.  Loud voices (Yelling, bellowing and shouting) ensue and #3 is forced to flee to outside terrains in the sunshine and pleasant weather sometimes called ‘summer’.

(Insert visions of mother and father units scratching their heads).  This is not working as intended.  Obviously my children ARE smarter than their parents and we are, in fact, as stupid as they think we are.

There are other children to terrorize supervise, so I decide to step away for a bit and regroup my forces.  This, of course, signals victory for #3 and discrimination for #4 who loudly complains about the unfairness of “it all”.  #4 is sent to his room to clean.  Still.  Again.

I manage to block out #3 and his drama for the day by doing laundry, cleaning, writing, playing for hours on Facebook until it is time for #4 to attend football practice.  #3 has been seen weeding (see list above) over the course of the day so I claim obvious victory (insert laugh track here).  However, all is not as it seems and #3 is now playing on the Wii again as he has located the hidden remotes and controllers (Note to readers:  hiding the remotes in your underwear/bra drawer is not as much of a deterrent as believed).

I take #4 to practice and when I return #3 is stealthily hacking at weeds (again, see list above) impersonating a hard working gardener who takes pride in his work.  I take this as a perfect time to institute “Operation Livid Mom” and begin to pack up all evidence of electronic devices formerly known as “Wii” in a huge box (those candle parties come in handy sometimes).  Of course this means I pack up the exercise platform (I used it for about 3 weeks and promised to use it more about a million times), every game and controller and cord.  In a fit of agitation I quickly call a friend and ask to store the HUGE box in their garage.  Psychologists would have a field day with our family.  

All offending Nintendo devices and offspring are removed and I realize that now I must dust (read:  “Clean”) and spend another hour in a happy-homemaker rage dusting, sorting, vacuuming, cleaning and generally doing what I should have done weeks months ago.

So to recap:  Lists do not work unless you are a rational adult.  I don’t do enough housework. My children are smarter than their parents.