Snow White and the Huntsman

I’m a movie sap.  I am NOT a movie aficionado, a purist or even a movie critic.  I like what I like and I don’t what I don’t.  My tastes are not definable, nor are they logical.  I love Pauly Shore movies and I detest anything with Christian Bale in it.  That being said….

SPOILER ALERT!!!

The Evil Queen dies, Snow White lives and they live Happily Ever After.  

Distractions:      It’s difficult to picture Chris Hemsworth as a drunk, depressed widower/huntsman when I’m too busy thinking of him as “Thor”. If you haven’t seen “Thor” or “The Avengers” you likely won’t have this problem, but seriously, it was a mind trip.

I also had a difficult time not being distracted by the non-dwarf dwarves, thanks to all the media blather about it.  That should teach me not to read anything about a movie BEFORE I’ve watched it, but as I rarely see movies in the theater, I’d never find out about anything, so it’s a distraction I have to deal with.

Charlize Theron is gorgeous.  Seriously, she is one of the women I’d like to come back as if I believed in reincarnation (Giada DiLaurentiis and Janet Jackson are my other two, BTW).  But it was hard to feel for her in this part as she’s blonde and her name is “Ravenna”.  It took me until the drive home to get the significance of all the Ravens…  And the aging thing was kind of distracting too.

Snow’s dirty cuticles were distracting, but then, I suppose a girl can’t really take a bath while running for her life and being led through the forest by some non-dwarf dwarves, “Thor” and a prince.  

I was equally distracted by the well-done, but not-by-the-book romantic plot.  Snow takes a bite of the apple, is choking and dying and all I can think about is shouting TRUE LOVE’S KISS!  TRUE LOVE’S KISS! KISS HER YOU FOOL!  Fortunately, I remember I’m in a theater and I have control of my romantic urges and eat a milk dud instead.  I won’t tell you who was supposed to kiss her, but he didn’t in that scene and I had to finish the box of milk duds.  IMMEDIATELY.

The Movie

Is the evil queen less beautiful than Snow White; could Charlize Theron even come in anywhere behind Kristen Stewart on a bad day (she DID look pretty bad in “Monster”)? Well, that’s up to you, but I found the entire cast completely mesmerizing.  Ravenna spends most of the movie aging and grasping at her youth by killing almost every single living woman in her dying kingdom.  It’s typical grey, dark, depressing scenery, complete with twisted vines, bugs, snakes and ravens.  She is a spoiled brat of a woman who berates her brother for not being able to out-wit Snow White.  Seriously honey, if you wanted her heart, why did you not go to the castle tower and snatch it out of her little body yourself?

The Huntsman spends most of the movie moping about his dead wife and denying that Snow is the princess/savior/promised one.  The non-dwarf dwarves help in some ways, but he doesn’t really come to the conclusion that Snow really going to de-throne the queen until after she’s “died”.  Hello?  I’m done with the Milk Duds!  What am I supposed to do now to quell hopeless the romantic dialogue that’s threatening to shout out?  Whew!  I still have Cherry Coke left.  All is well and there’s still some of the movie left too.

What I Loved

The scenery, the soundtrack, the CGI, the story that followed the fairy tale but strayed just enough to make it all work out.  The costumes and the script were awesome too, and I thought the cast played well in their roles.  I was so entranced I forgot to be distracted by the on again off again ‘accent’ Snow White had (darn movie critics for putting that in my head too!).  I loved that the heroine was scared and wounded yet fought and kept going.  I loved that she found wonder in the beauty of the butterflies, the fairies and the white stag.  I love that true love doesn't always appear in the usual ways.

The Conclusion

I’ll buy this movie on DVD (and probably the soundtrack too) and I’ll watch it over and over again – much to the confusion and annoyance of my teenage sons.  The story was traditional yet inventive, dark but not scary, and although it was predictable (I mean, it’s SNOW WHITE for Pete’s sake), I walked out of the theater completely feeling like I’d seen something new.  I love a movie that takes me away from my life for even a bit of time.  There was action, CGI, romance, magic, evil, non-dwarf dwarves, horses, beautiful costumes, a prince and a princess.   What could be better?

What Surprises me

The other day a friend said to me “You always look so surprised when he is sarcastic!”  The “he” in this case was my 18 year old and the occasion was communicating about a ride home while discussing what he had/n’t eaten at the church buffet.  He had his mouth full of salad and was attempting to have me understand that he’d eaten only salad and was staying for awhile after the buffet.  Sarcastically.  And with plenty of "tone".

I responded to my friend “It’s not so much the sarcasm that surprises me. It’s the disrespect and contempt that does.”  Four children later – another unfinished project, btw – I have never quite learned to shield myself from the pain of the insolence and nastiness that is the teenage idea of sarcasm.  

I get sarcasm.  I get playful teasing, giving someone a hard time, flicking them “crap”, yanking their chain, etc.  My father ribbed me for years (until he died) and I developed a partially thick skin and learned to give it back as well.  My kids are blessed (or cursed) with a great sense of humor, a quick wit, a sharp intelligence and a pretty good sense of comedic timing.  It’s hard to have a serious conversation in our house without any one of us poking or jabbing in a smart-mouth comment or two.

But there is a tone of disrespect that I’ve never been able to see as funny.  I was a “normal” teenager and gave my mother a good share of disrespect in my day, but she was oh-so-quick to snuff it out and punish it into oblivion – at least until I was banished to my room and muttered more under my breath so she couldn’t hear me.  Because, if I’d continued to say what my teenage mouth wanted to say (without connecting with my yet-to-be-adult brain), she would have had no problem taking off her shoe and smacking my posterior until it stung.  This by the way, was not child abuse, it was discipline.  I do not have an irrational fear of rubber-soled moccasins because of it; only a huge respect for my 5 ft. 2 mother who didn’t hesitate to reprimand me when it was necessary – no matter how tall I was.  Apparently, my children do not have the same amount of healthy fear/respect for me or my shoes (or the ruler).  They just continue to toss out the zingers until they’ve dug the hole so deeply that my Irish (not to mention my Italian) comes out fighting.

And, although this phase, too, shall pass; sometimes the adult “child” never distinguishes the tone difference between sarcasm and disrespect.  I listen to adults who have a biting sense of “humor” and who actually think it’s funny when people wince at their sharp attempts at humor.  Or that person who always has a mean intonation when they comment but then follow it up with a smile or a laugh (or a smiley face electronically) as if that softens the blow of the words.

 

I can hardly wait until my children have children of their own and have their disrespect thrown back in their faces.  I hope they’re better at deflecting it than I am.